i have an appointment tomorrow

    i finally have an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow.

it's the only thing i ever wanted in 2022.

and 2021.

...

and so on.

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i remember the first time i saw a psychiatrist. 

i was 13.

i had a dream about jumping off a building.

i didn't feel comfortable sharing my dream with my parents because i knew they would turn it into 

my fault.

i told the kids at school but we tried to make it funny. they laughed and we played like normal.

when i got home, i was in trouble.

how did they find out? i was being so careful.

the kids at school told their parents. their parents mentioned it to mine.

hurt people hurt people.

i'm sorry, to the class of 2007 at Advent Episcopal School

(yall should check on the acolytes there. something happened there but i don't know to whom)

(probably the fact that there are 0 beautiful baby black boys who have graduated from there.)

my mother has an interrogation method. 

and it worked for a very long time.

the point of the method was to prove

that she was right

and i was wrong

and there's nothing i can do about it. 

(shout out to Danny DeVito's role in Matilda)

she'd wittle me down until i had nothing left to give except

i'm sorry mommy please don't be mad at me

crying starts.

there are two options for mom

 which one is she gonna pick today

"there there baby it's gonna be alright"

and

"stop crying those crocodile tears"

because i never knew which Mommy i was going to get

i had to get good at listening.

---------

when you're trying to convince a 'narcissist' of something, 

you have to convince them it's their idea

she'd use the elliot stabler shakedown but i used the olivia benson heart ache.

"what were you thinking?"

"i'm so sorry i just had a dream-"

"you can't tell people about these things"

"why not?"

"don't talk back to me. because i said so."

"oh, okay. i'm sorry"

"you can't tell people about these things. they'll think you're crazy"

"what's crazy?"

"don't talk back to me. do you want a spanking?" 

"no mommy, i'm sorry."

"do you need to see a psychiatrist? that's where they send crazy people"

"yes please"

i went and had an amazing session with Dr. Mendelsohn. I asked him if I could see him again and he said he would like that and asked me if i needed help. 

i said no because i knew he would tell them and i would get in trouble.

also because he mentioned calling the authorities (for safety??????) and that made me Too Nervous.

she asked me if i felt better.

i said yes and i was excited to see him again.

she said it was too expensive to keep seeing him. 

was it? or was that just the easiest thing to say to a child to get them to stop talking?

money does funny things to people.