JJ, how could you?

I don't actually know what psychosis is because I didn't go to school for biology.

Nor did my team of psychiatrists bother to try to explain it to me.

But we did make a lot of references to it. We did talk about how I feel.

They didn't want to give me a diagnosis.

Because no one knows what happened except for me.

Riddle me this Batman:

What happens if you're not suicidal but someone tells everybody that you are?

I just spent five days wondering why the nurses in the emergency room listened to a white man over me. 

I just spent five days trying to convince my doctors that I had no intention of harming myself or others.

I just spent five days wondering why the person who walked me into the E.R. thought it was a good idea to tell authority figures I intended to hurt myself. 

I just spent five days trying to scrub my body clean after a police officer assaulted me. 

I'm not mad, just confused. 

Wondering why the place that I found the most solace in suddenly wants nothing to do with me.

Wondering what I did wrong.

When all I was doing

was

picking up trash.

shipt pt 5

they fired me because i didn't answer an email quickly enough.

i didn't answer the email because i was in the psych ward.

i don't care if y'all don't believe me

i know i'm right.

and nobody cares. 

playlists

 have you ever had a friend 

who is always listening to music?
like, a l w a y s ?

they might turn the music off when you come over

orthey might try to show you a song

if you've heard it before

you could...say that

or 

you could let them have this moment

if someone asks to show you something

you say "absolutely, when"

because if someone has to say

"i want to show you something"

that means

they did 

a lot

to say that to you. 

please look. 

you do the math

 fetishes 

are 

a 

thing.

kinks are things you like to think about

fetishes are what you 

need

to cum.

what happens if your fetish disgusts you?

what happens if you don't know why you have a fetish?

what happens if

nobody cares

that you have a fetish? 

do talk to me

 have you ever met someone who

interupts you a lot?

someone who just

wants to be loved

but doesn't know how to ask for it. 

they say whatever

they can think of

to try to get your attention

just for someone to ask

to ask them how they're feeling

they'll make a LOT of jokes

because they had to laugh 

to get through it.

being emotionally neglected

as a child

is damaging. 

and will cause 

psychosis later in life

if left untreated

neutered

 what happens when you have 

all the reasons

in the world

to kill yourself

but you...

just don't? 

the voices said to get a therapist

 BELIEVE ME, yall

i know i need help.

i never posted my writings because i could only 

hear

my parents saying

"why would you write this"

the last time i saw my dad it was to drive me to the E.R. 

i cried most of the time and apologized

i said 

"this is only going to work if you don't ask me any questions"

and then he drove me like an uber driver because it was 

the 

only 

way

i

could

stand

being 

in his

presence

without some unspoken pressure to succeed

what happens when you dangle the carrot of emotional affection 

without ever saying "i love you" ? 

how will the child know that you're proud?

how will the child ever measure up to an image YOU had for them to be? 

why did crystal smitherman go into politics? does she really want to be a politician?

or are older black men jaded by what the world stole from them?

so they push their daughters

to do what they couldn't

because women are the only reason

ANYBODY 

is alive.

control a woman and you can

do

whatever

you 

want. 

because society hasn't proved that wrong yet.

that steve martin sketch with aidy bryant pissed me off so much

but it's because it was supposed to. 

please, SNL, steal me away from this pain. 

only media understands me.

"why don't you smoke some weed?"

 YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL

weed is wild.

real weed can induce psychosis at high quantities.

i don't give a fuck what your immediate reaction was after reading the above sentence but stop what you're doing and listen to me.

real weed can induce psychosis at high quantities.

that means you get really introspective and heady no matter what strain.

if you aren't ready to dive deep into your brain,

you're not gonna like what you hear/see/feel.

don't let them tell you "should just smoke some weed"

i did and i went crazy.

i've only felt suicidal three times in my life.

one was the dream i just described, one was driving to what ended up being my last day working at Petco Grooming in Opelika, and one was the story i told earlier, about autumn and jessica.

after the last one, i stopped smoking weed to see what happened.

i became much much nicer.

yall, when you smoke too much weed all you can hear is YOURSELF think.

when you're trying to hang out with your friends,

this can manifest in accidentally silencing them.

you want to be the center of attention because you weren't listened to as a child.

you NEED to be the center of attention because you weren't listened to as a child.

it's okay because hurt people hurt people but please

PLEASSEEEE

PLEASE PLEPLAPSLPAQLEPLE 

PLEASE 

just pass the aux cord. 

i promise it'll be a good song. 

....promise you'll at least let it play all the way through? 

they need this more than you think. 

if you interrupt them, they'll go quiet.

i have an appointment tomorrow

    i finally have an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow.

it's the only thing i ever wanted in 2022.

and 2021.

...

and so on.

----

i remember the first time i saw a psychiatrist. 

i was 13.

i had a dream about jumping off a building.

i didn't feel comfortable sharing my dream with my parents because i knew they would turn it into 

my fault.

i told the kids at school but we tried to make it funny. they laughed and we played like normal.

when i got home, i was in trouble.

how did they find out? i was being so careful.

the kids at school told their parents. their parents mentioned it to mine.

hurt people hurt people.

i'm sorry, to the class of 2007 at Advent Episcopal School

(yall should check on the acolytes there. something happened there but i don't know to whom)

(probably the fact that there are 0 beautiful baby black boys who have graduated from there.)

my mother has an interrogation method. 

and it worked for a very long time.

the point of the method was to prove

that she was right

and i was wrong

and there's nothing i can do about it. 

(shout out to Danny DeVito's role in Matilda)

she'd wittle me down until i had nothing left to give except

i'm sorry mommy please don't be mad at me

crying starts.

there are two options for mom

 which one is she gonna pick today

"there there baby it's gonna be alright"

and

"stop crying those crocodile tears"

because i never knew which Mommy i was going to get

i had to get good at listening.

---------

when you're trying to convince a 'narcissist' of something, 

you have to convince them it's their idea

she'd use the elliot stabler shakedown but i used the olivia benson heart ache.

"what were you thinking?"

"i'm so sorry i just had a dream-"

"you can't tell people about these things"

"why not?"

"don't talk back to me. because i said so."

"oh, okay. i'm sorry"

"you can't tell people about these things. they'll think you're crazy"

"what's crazy?"

"don't talk back to me. do you want a spanking?" 

"no mommy, i'm sorry."

"do you need to see a psychiatrist? that's where they send crazy people"

"yes please"

i went and had an amazing session with Dr. Mendelsohn. I asked him if I could see him again and he said he would like that and asked me if i needed help. 

i said no because i knew he would tell them and i would get in trouble.

also because he mentioned calling the authorities (for safety??????) and that made me Too Nervous.

she asked me if i felt better.

i said yes and i was excited to see him again.

she said it was too expensive to keep seeing him. 

was it? or was that just the easiest thing to say to a child to get them to stop talking?

money does funny things to people. 

left behind

 what happens if you go for a walk and never come back?

do people come looking for you?

do you know, for sure, that your parents 

are

coming

to

pick

you

up? 

i used to tell my parents i was going to walk the dog and then i snuck off in cars.

with men, not boys.

they were all very nice to me. 

i learned about my sexuality very quickly.

i was born to be a sex worker because i mastered the male gaze during my decent into..whatever this is.

nobody cares. 

SERVICE LEVEL AGREEMENTS

we tell lies every day. we just don't know we're lying.

because we're lying to ourselves. 

and our friends.

"call me when you need me"

"just call me next time"

"you could have just said so"

 "who do you think you're talking to"

"then just quit"

"take it easy"

"just calm down"

"quit crying"

"you're grounded"

"you can't"

"you'll never ____ "

"don't leave"

no one can make you stay anywhere. 

don't put up with it. 

nobody cares

i move mountains i move churches

 masculine women are a secret to the universe.

we're told our whole lives

that we're not wanted

or it's implied subtly

that you would have preferred

a boy

but you didnt

you got a girl

so why the fuck are you so mad about it? 

and why would you take it out on us through withholding of physical affection?

what happens when you live with a parental figure who is sexually attracted to you?

no one should have to live alone

people who choose their peace 

will choose to live alone,

unless someone needs help.

they will do anything for someone to be close to them.

speak up

 if you think you can silence me,

you've got another thing coming.

kevin mayo dead at 29

+ 

have you ever stopped to ask what you truly need?  

everyone will have to dig down deep for this one. 

i did an experiment because

i asked my dad what i should do for an experiment.

i had to turn "i asked my dad" into "i asked myself"

to break myself.

you have to break.

that's why there's a 27 club. 

bridge over troubled water

 have y'all stopped to wonder why so many rap songs have "illicit lyrics"?

it's because they LITERALLY CAN. 

when you're ignored as a child

or told that your opinions are bad

or that you're stupid

or that you'll never be anything

eventually you'll come to a cliff

with a dumb bridge they tell you to cross.

there's a weird mist 

and everyone says just take this

shitty shitty bridge to 

the other side.

or you can jump off

the drop isn't as far

as they say it is

they built the bridge

but they also created the mist.

the same puzzle

 i have a funny story

well, my mom has this funny story:

i've never asked her what i was like as a child

because i was,

y'know. there. 

but she still likes to tell me stories of my behavior.

and the stories are like, not cute lmao 

she has this one about puzzles. where she talks

and she talks

about how i would do the same puzzle over and over again

flipping it over and doing it upside down

but like.

that's the whole story.

bitch, what the fuck? 

i'm sorry Andrea. 

Mommy Marley will make this all okay. 

BITCH THEN LEAVE GET THAT BREAD GET THAT HEAD

 have you ever wanted to leave a conversation?

try it sometime. 

you can leave 100% of the 

conversations you have.

because you are an active and willing participant.

what happens if your 

conversations

are always being watched?

what happens if your 

conversations

could end without you saying 

"goodbye"

or

"i love you"

or 

"thanks for the help!" 

what if no one cares that you're clocking out? 

or clocking in?

or if your job really even matters? 

who tells you what your job is worth????

it's you, baby. 

i didn't know but now i do.

i'm sorry it took me this long to realize it.

watermelon

 this only happened because i figured out that i needed a safe word.

not for the sexy stuff. 

(we should be checking on the asexuals, they are Not Having A Good Time)

but for conversation.

i spiral

and spiral and spiral and spiral

until i find the answer

i've been looking for. 

it may not be the answer i thought

it was going to be

but dammit it's an answer.

I READ SOMEWHERE

that the watermelon was actually a very profitable crop

for black farmers

and white people (the first ones with access to ""education"" to have the free time to draw cartoons) 

made black people eating watermelon a stereotype.

they say stereotypes didheaduicfbwsrfvwonoeferwf

y'all i grew up saying i hated watermelon just because i could.

i finally had a whole watermelon with clayton and he cut it up for me.

my beautiful white savior that i thought would care enough.

but he didn't care. 

he just saw the psychosis before me so he couldn't help.

everyone who has already seen it can't help

because no one helped them when they were in it. 

thank you for releasing me

but fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. 

nobody cares.

i hate my cats

 i hate my cats 

because they're assholes

and because they only love me for food.

i cannot feed myself properly

but when i free fed them

someone told me 

I THINK I READ SOMEWHERE

you should feed cats on a routine

when i tried to experiment with a feeding schedule

i crumpled.

please help. they are good cats. 

nobody cares. 

i don't want to be mean

 what's hilarious is how people misinterpret the phrases

of the emotionally neglected child.

when they say "i'm so sorry for ____" 

your friends will say "there's no need to be sorry"

why?

why?

why do we invalidate the words of others so casually, so instinctually?

because hurt people hurt people. 

HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.

that's the key to the world. to the universe. 

everyone gets their feelings hurt one too many times

and then they get mean.

i'm mean now and i don't think the doctors will be able

to medicate this away.

i'm going to die.

but i don't know when. 

so i have to live

like it's the last. 

literally, 

i have to. 

nobody cares. 

pimento cheese

 i think being raised by northerners had some affect (effect?) on my 

food pallet.

i didn't care about pimento cheese

because it was always on a saltine

and it 

always

tasted 

the 

same.

they tell you to go

to the emergency

room

if you're actively having psychosis

so why the fuck did ole buddy

call my name

from a room i had never been in?

and expect me to know?

where to go?

why did he get bristly with me

when i demanded an apology?

i rode in a car with my abusive father because it was the only way i could get medical help.

of course the nurse didn't know that. 

but when you're checking yourself into the er because you're hearing voices that are not there, reach out to the devil for assistance because you feel he is the only one who can understand, and then go against your BEST JUDGEMENT to be trapped in a confined space with someone who has silenced (and maybe raped?) you your whole life,

you would think the nurse would be a little more educated to know you don't call someone's name and then avoid eye contact.

it's disrespectful. 

and triggering.

(nobody cares) 

anyway, i didn't give a fuck about pimento cheese until some badass chefs in auburn taught me how to make it.

do no harm

 if you think you're hilarious

then go do something about it

jungle

 why do people fantasize about the jungle?

isn't it somewhere you've never been?

isn't it somewhere you think you can picture

but you can't quite put your finger on

it's a place where 

anything

could happen

sooooo

what the fuck

is jungle fever?

i, personally, feel like

we should be swirling

lmao

but that's just me fam

you do you

it be like that sometimes

damn that's crazy

that's hilarious

wooow

centipede

 you know what would have been cool?

doing my own science fair projects.

bruh

those were NOT my work

and when

you look at the photos i swear to g o d

i was secretly f u r i o us

because

"the ONLY REASON" (a very common phrase used for communicating with a mood disorder) 

i even had to do science fair projects on hamsters, plants, and heart rate

were because i came home

and asked my dad

what i should do.

my fault. 

nobody cares.

"you could have just told me"

 i am so grateful that i had such good teachers growing up.

i learned things during my time as a student

that would have taken

yeaaaaars 

to learn randomly 

in the real world.

i am so grateful for the experience

but that doesn't mean

i asked for it

i did ask to go to Spring and holy shit

i am so glad i did. 

go work on your fucking vocabulary.

dear andrea,

 have you ever read a book that was so frustrating you just had to put it down?

how many other things have you put down because it was too hard, quitter?

spanking is frowned upon but tough love is glorified every day

"hardens the spirit" "tightens you up" 

military. rigid. rules. regulations.

these things are helpful, yes.

but...for love, y'all? 😂

i'm sofuckin weak

if you are militant with your love,

they will never love you back.

because

you can never

ever

ever

ever

evber

everggtegt

force 

someone

to 

lvoe you

it's impossible

but we try every single day.

it's okay if they don't love you

you're you and that's them.

you don't need them.

because you have you.

you ARE you. 

don't listen to what they say.

just keep singing that song you like. 

the ballad of mad sweeney

 there is a reason american gods was cancelled and i can't even begin to tell you

how upset

it made me.

for so many reasons. 

so so many.

BUT

they believed

so she believed.

kill yourself

 what happens when a parent decides they know what's best for a child? 

you might end up with a child who acts out in class.

you might end up with a child who is performative.

you might end up with a dancer.

you might end up with a "chatty cathy" 

you might end up with a child who wanders off in the store.

you might end up with a runner.

you might end up with an overactive imagination.

you might end up with a """""""Pathological Liar""""""""""""""

you might end up with a slut.

you might end up with a heartbreaker.

you might end up with a suicide.

what happens when your child chooses not to commit suicide? 

MINE LEFT AND STILL HAVEN'T LOOKED BACK. HBY?

shipt pt 4

 Another fun thing about jobs is the level of commitment expected from the average worker. 

How many times have you gone to work even though you felt like shit?

Did your boss care? 

Did you leave early?

Did you consider not coming in at all? 

Why did you even go? 

Why are you working there? 

When was the last time you enjoyed yourself? 

If you like your job, can you leave a comment on what you do and why you like it? 

I'm only curious. 

I loved my job very very much until I took a phone call I Was Not Ready For. 

Every person I've met at Shipt loves their job very much.

I don't understand why they don't feel like communicating with the Experience Team about the future plans.

But I saw it. Or some plan of it. 

Or an attempt to save it. 

But like.....

BRUUUUUUUUUUUH

????

YALL REALLY AINT GONNA SAY IT? WOOOOWW LMAO

(what's hilarious is that there was probably some very important all-hands meeting that explained this exact thing but i missed it because it was on my off-day)

nobody cares lmao

do i wanna know

 what happens if you take astrology too seriously but then mix in a little "one true love" syndrome? 

h u r t  f e e l ing d

obviously imn not speaking from experience

 yall be careful of them air sign men

they uh

they're very good at pretending

they can..

theyll make you feel

amazing

but theyre not

uhhhhhn

we're only savage because

who can stop you from

saying whatever you want?

surely you can understand that

(nobody cares)

surface pressure

what happens when you have sexual fantasies of authority?

the longer you chase a dragon by the tail, the sooner you'll find the head.

as soon as you seek the holy grail, you'd rather wind up dead

calloused and corrupt yet you beg for mercy, when you haven't even seen how others have it worse, see?

i don't know man i fucking love rhyming shit.

people who can freestyle rap should read this because they'll know

what i'm talking about.

how when you're 

quiet

for a long time 

soon you just say

whatever's on your mind

no matter what it is

keep going

leave the door open - bruno mars

there are so many music artists who understand the need for this story to be told. 

i know there are a lot of pieces and it's gonna take me more than the 5 days i've allotted to finish the story

but, fuck me dude, it needs to be.

when i checked myself into the ER, they let me keep my bag.

i didn't know i had become a doomsday prepper until i checked myself in.

or, at least, i had the qualities of a doomsday prepper. 

phrases like "just in case" and "running out of time" have quickly become daily phrases for me. 

when i checked myself in, all i knew was that i needed help. but i couldn't help myself.

i had everything i needed to keep me occupied because they taught me LONG ago how to occupy the time if you're stuck with your thoughts.

(don't worry if they won't listen, then I will)

i took 9 books in and I left with two.

working too much

i had no business raising a cat.

i thought i was doing an experiment. 

i don't understand why montero still wants to go outside. 

i got Appa because i thought i could give Montero a reason Not To Leave.

(i couldn't let him out anymore because of the phone calls. i eventually found i liked my apartment door open at all times because i have no secrets.)

what happens if you start smoking cigarettes just for a reason to go outside? 

because i said so

if you really think about it, children have no power.

we have people who put laws into place that are meant to help us get better. 

we have people scattered throughout the system meant to check on us.

children who are adopted have even less power.

riddle me this:

where can a child go when they don't feel safe? 

what was i supposed to do?

i got in trouble every time i tried to close my bedroom door.

montero

 the reason i can't take care of my cats anymore is because i never had cats growing up.

getting a cat was an experiment to see if my parents were right about something.

they were right about not owning a cat but not for the reason you may think.

whenever i asked about getting a cat, my mom made a disgusted face but couldn't explain why.

maybe she had a bad experience. i'll never know because i don't plan to talk to her ever again.

i don't want to ever talk to them again but they pay my phone bill so i guess we're here. (nobody cares)

 i needed a family to provide love to. 

i got montero (the handsomest black cat) to be a friend for pepper because she used to live with another cat.

montero did not like pepper and did not warm up to her.

i rehomed her because i thought it was what was best for her. but it wasn't.

i gave pepper to my parents so they would leave me alone.

and they did.

so then i began the uphill battle that is "how do i get this new pet to love me"

because that's why we get pets.....right?

i learned everything about the world from this cat and 

now it's time for him to teach someone else. 

take your lashes

 you know what's very accessible as long as you have the tools?

information.

the few times i asked my adoptive mother about my birth mother, she got defensive.

i don't know what for, i simply asked a question.

she lashed out with her words whenever she felt threatened.

and judging by the amount of times she yelled, she felt threatened a lot.

i think my mother was made to feel "lesser than" her entire life. with an alcoholic abusive father and emotionally absent mother, she became the caregiver unwillingly. she was also probably kept out of serious talks about the family.

so i'm guessing she had to take care of everybody but they still controlled the purse strings. she had to take care of three unruly brothers and pay out of her own pocket to do it.

she probably got her tubes tied because she knew she didn't want to be a mother. 

i understand now why she did it because I did the same thing and i now have empathy for her. 

i just wish she felt like we could have talked about it.

when you grow up being told to be quiet your whole life, you might accidentally turn around and do it to those your love too.

you might even resort to spankings if yelling isn't enough.

i was told that i was spanked for lying.

what happens if you get in trouble no matter what you say? 

go buy a car

 i'm sure all of this shit will come as a surprise to y'all.

i decided i couldn't live with my best friend anymore so i tried to make plans to move out.

i couldn't find a place with a yard but my parents called

my dad  said he would give me $5000 if i could save the same amount.

so i moved back in with them.

and, thank goodness for the pandemic.

cause ya boy STACKED some money. I still haven't seen my bank account like that since.

after a while, i couldn't just stare at it. 

taking testosterone this long gave me the confidence boost to do ANYTHING. 

so i bought a car even though they tried to make fun of me for it.

once i had a car, i could do anything.

the movie luca gets it. 

shipt pt 3

 towards the end, i was kind of testing people to see what they would do.

my jokes got more intense because i knew i didn't have a lot of room for communication.

when your interactions with coworkers are restricted to work-related channels, there can be a sense of unease if someone makes a joke

what happens if you make a fucked up joke in a public channel?

most of the time, people probably laughed out loud but didn't post a "reaction"

(at least that's what i tell myself to stop myself from spiraling)

those reactions (or lack thereof) is what killed me, man

please don't leave me on read.

please don't leave me.

please don't leave.

please don't.

please.

free rent...?

 i didn't pay rent because it seemed meaningless. 

why should  have to pay to lay my head down? shouldn't that just be..?

because as soon as i stopped worrying about where i was going to stay, i got to focus on ME.

which i highly recommend to everyone. 

i get mad every single day because i see good people living in shitty situations simply because that was the best hand they were dealt.

i want to buy a huge place and let everyone decide what they pay.

because why not? 

please take these cats

i am a very hurt person and cannot care for these cats.

with my "UNSPECIFIED MOOD DISORDER" (thanks uab, i would LOVE to actually get a diagnosis so i can FINALLY GET THE HELP I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE)

i get angry sometimes.

i reserve my anger for words because that is literally the only place i can explore my anger safely

but hurt people hurt people

what happens when you don't see yourself as human?

...what happens if you see yourself as less than human? 

i miss lucky pepper

 i gave my parents the best dog in the entire world because i couldn't give her the perfect life.

the only thing she needs is a yard. 

a fenced in yard.

i have suggested it to them every time i've been over there and they still disagree.

it makes me furious and i want my dog back.

i can provide her the perfect home but she can't stand being on a leash.

she's a reactive dog which means she would need a lot of corrective training to break her leash reactivity.

...or you can adapt to the needs of your dog and recognize that you can't provide the perfect home.

i decided my parents had a yard and, during the pandemic, it was great. 

because i walked her without a leash.

because trust. 

(my parents should have gotten a dog instead of a child. to do a test run first.) 

my dad probably thinks it's hilarious that she lunges on their short walks. 

he saved all the money so she could spend it on fixing the cabinets.

instead of admitting they might have a problem.

they're fine on paper. 

nobody cares.

mine? yours?

 The hardest part of this story is they thought they were perfect.

They had the house, the car, the city job.

There was no reason why adopting a child could have been a bad idea.

Unless the child didn't meet expectations.

What expectations do we put on our children?

....What expectations do we put on our children without telling them? 

On paper, they looked great. 

What Judge Wouldn't Sign Off On It? 

the male gaze

 GOTTA BE HONEST

the male gaze is kind of hilarious.

once i completely sexualized my body and sold my soul to customer satisfaction, i became the perfect sex worker.

still am.

but i couldn't find anyone to pay for my content.

because i didn't know how to market myself as valuable.

(if you can't sell yourself, someone else will.)

so i started doing it for free. i just wanted to

"see what would happen" 

soon i had men (granted only 12 or so of them stayed)

responding to my stories every day

i know my body is worth money but what price?

....how much does it cost to adopt a child? 

i'm mad

I started doing delta 8 because i had an interaction with someone while on real weed that made me consider suicide.

i'm very sensitive about this experience because this person either doesn't remember it happened or was too drunk to remember doing it.

i suppose there's a third option where they knew what they were doing and did it anyway but i don't like thinking about that because it makes me irrationally mad. 

i worked with two girls, let's call them jessica and autumn.

now, autumn has always been secretly jealous/threatened by jessica. i'm sure something happened that made autumn decide she hates jessica.

all i care about is being friends with everyone.

(nobody cares) 

jessica was sitting on the other side of the bar, moping by herself. 

we had just left a house where i said 'hey i might get weird when i smoke weed' and everyone laughed, as they do

when we entered the bar, i suddenly realized i did not want to be in a bar.

being high had finally become an introspective journey for me and i didn't want to be perceived by people if i wasn't ready to be perceived.

in the moments that i was realizing this, i stood behind autumn at the bar and made eye contact with jessica. she smiled at me and i half-waved.

i moved to go around the side. we entered with five other people, none of them needed me. clearly jessica did.

autumn reached up and grabbed me by the neck, holding me against her. 

jessica averted her eyes and my heart exploded into 

(who says you that you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition?)

i left the bar immediately. i had never been prevented from helping someone!

and in such a subtle way. for what? for why? 

i started walking up the parking deck stairs. 

i'm too high to know why i feel so bad. all i can think about is how bad how bad how bad.

it was fully in my power to help jessica but societal pressures dictate that i stay with the group

i was only up there for a few minutes before i got a phone call asking where i went to. 

i didn't know how to answer so i walked back down and went back to it.

(nobody cares)

jessica is happily employed somewhere else and autumn is still doing whatever she wants because no one will stop her. 

(i'd like to stop and mention that autumn deserves her bag just as much as anyone else, this is just my experience and it hurt. )

hurt people hurt people

finish your broccoli

 okay okay i know i'm a whiny little bitch and nobody cares because there's always someone who has it worse than you

but can we also talk about how extremely polarizing that statement is?

if you teach children that there's always someone who has it better than them, you create a scarcity.

what's the scarcity you ask? 

as a parent, whatever the fuck you want.

you can decide to withhold affection until the child finishes their food.

you can withhold video games because they didn't do their homework.

riddle me this yall:

what is the point of telling a child that someone else has it worse? 

what can the child then do with that information? 

help everyone in the world.

that's all i want to do. please donate to the gofundme or don't.

i'm telling my story either way and i won't stop until this is complete. 

teen titans go

 my crying is only very specific now. 

i've noticed this for a long time: 

none of my friends' insults or trials or tribulations have ever been so hard that i cry about it.

none.

so why do i cry over corny superbowl commercials? gymnastics meets where she sticks the landing?

i stopped watching the news so long ago because there's only so much one can take.

i only watch comedies now and my life has looked up SO much.

do no harm

giorgio by Moroder

 I've been crying a lot ever since The Break

I'm not sure exactly what day The Break was but I Know Something Happened In My Brain.

I felt like there was no one in the world who could help me so I retreated inward. 

I'm currently living in 12 year old Andrea's brain.

When I was in the er i tried to find out how i got here.

I wrote a story back in college, called Conceal Dont Feel, shortly after Frozen came out. i described the day i found out i was adopted.

that day makes me want to cry right now.

because that was the day i no longer felt safe.

riddle me this batman:

what happens when you live with a parent who finds you sexually attractive?

sorry

 i was cleaning up a little bit just now because the night meds haven't ki-

okay now i took them

anyway i just knocked over a broom in my apartment and i said "sorry" out loud

i've lived alone for a year and a half.

(nobody cares) 

people of earth

i checked myself into the E.R. because i was hearing voices that weren't there.

they were very loud but I also insisted on keeping my door open.

every E.R. i was in, i kept my door open.

every time they told me i had to wait, i just got louder and louder until they got me moved. 

i needed a psychiatrist and when i finally got to see one, they were terrified and holding their clipboards like i was going to do something

i thought about it, as i do, and tried to tell them my story

often i was interrupted (another trigger that will send me into a sub headspace) to be told what i needed.

if a psychiatrist says i need something, surely i need it, right?

the first person who actually sat me down and ask me to tell my side was a very nice social work who asked me what "being a trans" was like.

we talked for a very long time and i was surprised this was the first "professional" during my admittance into the E.R. to actually ask (and care!) how i was feeling.

i got to rant to him about the adoption system which ended up being perfect because he kept repeating that he worked in adoption for 35 years before writing down more information

not to be rude, but weird flex dude

what happens if someone looks just fine on paperwork and they can perfectly explain to you what happened? 

fuck bet

 i finally gave up on my apartment.

i decided that nothing matters and everything can be replaced. 

when i started selling things to make room, there was one thing I lined on the wall.

All. My Hats. 

I have 2784849224890200 hats (sorry i don't wanna go get up and count) and they all have such a unique story to them.

I'm not cliche enough to try to tell you one of those stories but those are the things I'm not ready to give away.

If I'm choosing to be bald and I'm giving everything I own away, why would I keep so many hats?

..

shipt pt 2

When I started working at Shipt, I was ready to take phone calls because I was ready to help people.

I know I was only put on this Earth to help as many people as I can before I die some crazy way.

I've known that for years and I can't really explain it to you other than God

So I thought 'hey phone calls are a fast way to help people, let me see if I can get good at that'

And, if I'm allowed to toot my own horn here in my book, I'd like to say I was pretty darn good at answering those phone calls.

I got too good, too quick.

Whenever I have a job, I have to have upward mobility. Upward mobility is how I keep myself from being bored working for other people.

Y'all eventually master what they expect of you and then ask for more work/responsibility + more pay, right? 

That's how I've been a manager at almost every job I've had. 

(exceptions are wrongful terminations at charleston dog house and shipt) 

What happens when you're not ready to take a phone call? 

canti - fooly cooly

 i think one of the hardest parts of socializing is the desire to fit in.

i did this for a very very long time, trying to read body postures and subtle hints that people didn't want to be around me.

i didn't know what people needed from me so i just replicated their behaviors until they liked me. 

i only wanted people to like me because i know what happens when someone doesn't like you.

they hit you. or they yell at you. or they tell you to do things instead of showing you.

hurt people hurt people.

i love being around people because people are inherently good. they just need an opportunity.

i created a company because i plan to use the proceeds to buy houses and put my struggling friends in homes for free.

we shouldn't be paying to rest our heads.

we should be paying to believe in people. 

cannibal

 I had a brief moment where I was obsessed with cannibals in the 6th grade.

I thought I could make cannibalism hilarious because I was really good at pretending.

I read some fucked up books about serial killers and those hurt my feelings more than law & order

(except that one svu episode where ole dude was trapped in the wall at the end, that shit was emotionally damaging lmao)

Every week in English class, we were asked to write sentences using our vocabulary words. For a few months (? time was created by man so who knows how long i did it, actually I'm gonna go visit my teacher on monday) I made my sentences all include cannibals

It at lead up to a book report where I drew a gruesome murder scene as an artistic representation of a book I read.

I had no business reading that book at 12 but I understand now why Horror exists as a genre.

If you can imagine some of the most gruesome things, couldn't that erase your fear of them?

....if a child is glorifying a serial killer killing random families, shouldn't we check to see what's happening at home?

(nobody cares)

why i love thrift stores

 Actors have got to be the people who understand what i'm trying to say the most. 

if you get really good at pretending, you can do anything.

when i was sent to my room, it started off as a punishment.

Then my parents started taking me to the thrift store.

It seems so small but to me it was HUGE. I finally had a place I could walk around and pick things out. 

I didn't have an allowance but they bought me whatever book I tried to sneak in the cart.

They bought me every book I put in the cart. 

i wrote this in 2020 but never posted it idk

The internet became popular while I was in the middle of puberty. I had parents who were forty+ years older than me and refused to answer any questions I asked. You can imagine what the sex talk was like: being handed a book about the changes my body would go through. They wanted to make sure I had  all the opportunities the rich white classmates had so they got me my own computer when I was eleven.

  You might see where I'm going with this. Once I found out that sex was something not to be talked about, that was all I wanted to talk about. Considering my mom caught me in the bathroom the first time I was trying to shave my pubic hair and said that only "hussies" shaved down there, I decided I had to learn about sex on my own.

 I couldn't have known I'd end up losing my virginity when I was thirteen to a man I'd known for one week  behind my childhood golf course, in the backseat of a Jetta of the parking lot of an apartment complex his grandmother owned. 

That's when things started looking up.

 I used my overdeveloped feminine body for personal validation in promiscuous acts that started with lying to my mother about where I was walking the dog to meet up with men twice my age. Keep in mind, this was literally when To Catch A Predator was airing on television. You remember that shit?

 Old white men would pretend to be underaged girls and lure them to a secondary location on the premise of having sex with adolescent girls? I saw that show and went 'huh, I never thought of actually hooking up with these guys, i just liked sending them pictures!'

 Hindsight 20/20, I guess. 

I would say I'm lucky I didn't get murdered but I was black, six foot, and huge so I was probably pretty low on the pedophile menu. I was that burrito the size of your head filled with six different kinds of meat that you'd be disgusted to eat but proud if you actually managed not to vomit halfway through.  I'm sure you'd also get your picture on a wall somewhere. 

Shit, one of the guys I used to hook up did end up getting arrested but that was because he was embezzling money out of a hair salon. I only found that out because I looked up his salon the other day on Facebook to see how he was doing and there were multiple posts of "keep me in your prayers!' and 'i could really use a penpal in here!' on the facebook page and my only reaction was 'how the fuck is he posting on facebook right now?'

"just wait"

i left the ER two different times because i was put in a room and told to wait.

apparently that's my TRIGGER

(hey y'all i KNOW it's hilarious to make fun of people being triggered but that's literally the issue so we should just hear what they're saying and accept it instead of judging them for saying "i'm triggered" )

we get SO caught up in trying to police each other we forget about our FEEEEEEEELINGS

(i know i know, fuck them feelings)

but if you press those feelings down enough, eventually you're gonna lash out.

and i do mean lash out.

i have very dark thoughts and only want to put love into the world from this point forward. 

i just have to get all this hurt out somewhere so i can let it go and move on into the future! : ) 

that's AAAAaaaaAAArT!

shipt pt 1

 back to the whole Shipt thing....

There is no one directly to blame for what I did at Shipt. 

Everyone did their jobs and stayed in their lane. 

But as someone who came from the service industry, I didn't know I needed daily interpersonal interactions with my coworkers until I didn't have it. 

Once I didn't have any coworker's checking on me, who's to say that I'm doing a good job? 

If I don't know that I'm doing a good job, how will I know my self-worth?

Managers are there to make sure that you get your job done.

what happens if the job is getting done but you're mentally deteriorating? 

i loved my manager. 

when i met my manager's manager, she decided to critique my cry for help instead of reading the message. 

(met is a strong word, it was a zoom call)

my manager's manager told me to keep waiting. 

i snapped. oH MY GOSH I CAN UPLOAD THE PICTURES

human slavery

 who benefits from adoptions?

adoption agencies, right? they stand the most to gain but like

who the fuck are adoption agencies?????

why the FUCK is adoption a thing in the first place?

really. really really. think about it.

adoption is the sale of another human being, periodt okkkkkkrt. 

so let's paint a picture:

you just adopted a baby because you felt pressured to during a deacon's meeting of the church on what to do over a respected married deacon's love affair.

how do you tell your wife? and how do you even raise a child?

i was adopted because my dad asked "what's the worst that could happen" 

Who Did The Personality Test Of These People Because They Were Very Mean.

(nobody cares) 

adopt me

 so riddle me this batman

why do people usually adopt children?

love, right?

you want to expand your family and you have enough love, money, and resources to provide for another

i've been so lost the past 10 years, wondering why Kevin is so Willing To Give To Everyone.

Kevin gave to everyone because that was the only way he knew how to interact.

Andrea was taught to behave. Treated with the emotional complexity of a yard dog.

hurt people hurt people. 

if two hurt people adopt a child they didn't want, what happens next? 

maniac

 my favorite book was maniac mcgee.

i don't remember the story now but i remember my life changing after reading that book.

i stole that book from school, one of the only things i've ever stolen in my life.

something something a kid who runs away

I didn't know running away was an option before that book. 

Once I Got That Book I Kept Packing A BackPack A Tried To Leave Multiple Times With Nowhere To Walk To.

I'm sorry, Andrea. We will do better as Kev. 

just ask for help, idiot

 I was wondering why I spent so much time on this blog back when I lived with emily. 

This blog was made back in college, in response to a prompt. I didn't get rid of it.

I started uploading lyrics that i wrote because i said "these are good, i just don't know how to ask for help"

Isn't that what everyone will say? Isn't that literally what EVERYONE always says?

"why didn't you ask for help?" "you know you can ALWAYS ask me for help"

YEAH WELL WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LITERALLY CANT?

I got back into a corner at Shipt and had nowhere to go. I asked for upward mobility because all I wanted to do was help people.

I asked some questions and then they took away my system access, making it so I couldn't clock in for work.

I asked some questions and then they took away my system access, making it so I couldn't clock in for work.

I asked some questions and then they took away my system access, making it so I couldn't clock in for work.

I want a lawyer but who will believe me over a giant like Shipt?

Nobody cares? nobody cares. 

(lmao i'm gonna use this as my safe word to stop from spiraling) 

i have an undiagnosed mood disorder because no one can explain my mania - >

making a nest

 i'm staring at all this random shit in my apartment wondering how i'm gonna pay this month's late rent, let alone next month. random pieces of art that i bought at thrift stores, looking for some representation of who i am.

decorating my apartment slowly to fill the walls in a beautifully aesthetic way, taking an unnecessarily large swing for the love of my life.

striking out. 

there's a general plan on what to do next but i haven't taken the time to make one because it doesn't matter

getting this story out is what matters

i have to speak for the emotionally neglected people who have been told to be quiet.

"you're crazy"

"you don't need ____" 

when we force our advice onto others, sometimes they'll believe it. 

i have become so suggestible that i spent my rent money leaving tips because there was no one there to stop me. 

there was a CHILLING episode of the new season of Atlanta about adoption because, yall, i'm crying right now. 

we need more checks on who can adopt a child.

we need more checks on who can adopt a child.

we need more checks on who can adopt a child.

wall hangings pt 1

 i'm not saying that i loved being in my room.

but it definitely felt like my safe space. if you have a room, then you can decide what to do with the space.

bed? over there. couch? over here. art?

...art?

what happens  if you're not allowed to decorate your room?

"nobody cares"

(russ from Valley is the only one who says this correctly)

in my room - beach boys

 have you ever pretended to be something?

like literally take yourself out of this moment and place yourself into someone else's shoes? 

(bUt KeViN tHaTs jUsT cAlLeD aCtiNg)

YES, yes it is. 

and there's a reason that actors are actors and the really good ones are making all these movies and blahblahblaha

when someone's a good actor, you believe their performance. you believe that they truly are some grizzled war vet or escaped slave or whatever. 

but what about when you pretend too far? 

what about when you pretend so much you don't know who you are?

what if every time you tried to ask a question that your parents couldn't answer, you were told to go to your room? 

school photos

 i've always been a goofball. a jokester, if you will

they say humor is a good way to jbisn

laugh through the pain? 

one of my favorite memories:

if you ask my mom what my school photos growing up were like, she's gonna get mad.

i want to show you one but i'm sure she shredded them or something equally dramatic

every year i smiled with my lip pulled back over my teeth, just because i could

just because i could

every year

just because i could

just because i could

(i guess some of these are adult me apologizing to child me because child me was CRYING for help any way i could but no one saw it)

i know, i know, nobody cares.

I KNOW NOBODY CARES THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING THE STORY

I'M NOBODY, OKAY

IF I BECOME NOBODY, THEN WILL YOU CARE?

OOOOOOOOH I'M HEATED WHERE SHIPT AT? COME HERE BIG DAWG

be quiet pt 2.

 y'all i didn't know kevin was completely made up.

kevin is a mashup of desperation, lack of affection, and communication issues.

i had to make kevin up to get out and i didn't know until i was laying in the ER wondering why i was so sad.

i only know i made kevin up because i've been exploring my body and my memories of my body.

when i was 12, i was on the internet telling men i was 19. sometimes they liked me more when they found out the truth.

i went out with them, got sexy with them.

but best of all: it was a secret that i had over my parents and they had no idea.

once i had a secret of my own, i was able to hear myself. 

i've always been able to remember everything from 12 on because that's when I started having sex.

I could choose when and where.

this was the beginning of the internet, when you could trust people.

i put trust in what these men could teach me about my body because my mother gave me a book. 

my father and i still haven't talked about sex.

why am i decidedly not aroused by older black bald men?

why are there "uncles" of the family that we don't talk about anymore?

...worse, why am i about to be a bald bitch the rest of my life?  😢

be quiet

 you know what sucks?

be told to be quiet.

ESPECIALLY

if you've been told your ENTIRE LIFE to be quiet.

if there's always someone there telling you to be quiet, then eventually you get quiet.

i got very very very quiet and i didn't even know it until i didn't kill myself the night of august 29th and sept 2.

no one cares if you don't kill yourself.

"because i said so"

 we don't talk about spankings anymore. 

we've collectively agreed that spankings are bad and children learn much better with positive reinforcement.

y'all ever think of those people who still hit animals?

what happens when you're so angry at you or yourself or the people around you that you actually feel inclined to attack an animal?

"oh it's different because they're animals and they need to know"

is it different, jeff? or are you just justifying it in your head because you say 

"well i'm a human so i know better"

couldn't a person do the same thing? 

"i'm an adult so i know better"

stop crying pt 2

I remember the first and only time i accused my mother of abuse.

we were staying in a hotel somewhere for something.

this was when the television had finally become the centerpiece of the american household.

the television was the thing their generation had built up to. naturally, it was time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. 

naturally.

what's the most watched/longest running television show? 

i don't actually know but dammit if it wasn't law & order i don't know what is. 

i remember watching it in the living room sometimes? it felt so fascinating to watch.

what child needs to learn about the horrors of the world in quick terrible stories for 30 minutes every night?

it was from one of those law&order episodes that i learned what child abuse could be. i remember crying because she had yelled at me.

(that was the first thing i remembered in the e.r. i cried a lot as a child.)

tearful, i suggested that i was being abused. 

"i'll show you child abuse"

stop crying

 you know what's really hard to do? 

stop crying when you're crying.

you know what you can get really good at if you're told to do it enough? 

stop crying when you're crying. 

i don't presume to know anything but i feel like spanking a child and telling them to stop crying is like

???

why would you even 

lmao whatever

shut your mouth and run me like a river

 when the child needs something, they're supposed to be able to ask the parent for it. 

that's what's supposed to happen.

what happens when the child has everything that can be seen?

what happens when the child has been "spoiled"? 

when you ask them about what christmas was like,"we gave her everything she wanted"

it should have been "we gave her everything she asked for" 

because when you assume what the child wants instead of asking them to tell you, they begin to build their personality based on the things you buy for them.

when they bought me barbies, i wanted to be pretty and thin. when they bought me Knex, i wanted to be an architect. 

when they bought me a computer, i realize i didn't need them.  

 

go lay down pt 2

 i didn't remember my childhood clearly until i was laying in the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling.

there are so many things that i overlooked in my introspective dives.

i've always been someone to ask why? i learned that from the devil.

but there was one why i could never figure out.

why did my parents adopt me if my mother got her tubes tied?

i always had to push that question down because I was taught that it was inpolite to ask personal questions of my parents. 

i have struggled a very very very very verv yr vyr long time to type the above sentence so i'm gonna need you to stop rolling your eyes at my experience and fucking hear what i'm saying:

my adoptive parents used emotional and physical affection as a reward only after i did what i was told.

shut up, i know i'm just a whiny little bitch. please don't hate me. please don't leave me. please don't close this book. i just need to explain. please. please. 

please just let me explain. 

"go lay down"

i probably should have started at the beginning.

i checked myself into the ER because the other option was suicide and i refuse. 

everyone keeps asking me why so this is the reason.

"What's The Worst Possible Thing That Could Happen?"

moths

 every time i've see a moth something happens.

it's not immediately. it's a few days or a few moments. 

but something happens.

the night i met taylor, a moth flew in the living room and fluttered around for a while. 

i connected with her so deeply in our conversation that my roommate chose to retreat with her at that moment.

she'd come over to be with him but she knew we had a connection.

that was the first and last time I saw her and there was this weird stare when she went to his room. 

it was like she knew?

but how? 

and why did i just see a dead moth in someone's house? 

i love you

when i moved into my very first apartment, i was excited.

excited is a very common theme in the coming pieces. 

(lowercase is kev, capital is child kev)

i had a friend becca (a v chatty libra saint) who helped me move in. considering i was moving out of my parents house after the pandemic and three other people said they would show up, becca was a angel sent from above to help take off some of the pressure of decorating.

finally. finally something that was mine. finally. finally.finally. finally. 

i have a painting given to me by a friend in auburn, pete, and it was my absolute favorite piece of art to have. it was an original, one that couldn't be replicated. this was my art piece, the one thing i could - 

watermelon

becca found two nails in the wall straight ahead in my apartment. she said "oh look this can just go right here" and i said "oh wow you're right"

and it stayed there. even though i hated it there. 

i had so many ideas of where it could be but here i was, stuck with where it was placed because...

why? 

managers

i've always been a good manager.

i don't say that in that obnoxious, machismo way. i mean, i understand people because i am people.

that's how good managers are formed. 

good managers cover your shifts for you because you're too hungover. good managers bail you out of jail. good managers drive you to the ER. good managers demand you call them as soon as you're home.

the good managers i have had have been willing to do these things for me because they know me.

they know me, they see me, they laugh with me, they ask me questions, they wonder why i'm being quiet, they ask if i'm doing anything later.

in a virtual workspace, how do you get to know your coworkers? 

thank you macon

 I thought I had a story to tell until I listened to some music that helped me process my emotions.

Honestly, music is the secret to the universe and we've all just accepted it and moved past it like it isn't the most important and quintessential experience but I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself.

There are so many things that have happened. You can't start at the beginning because Jeremy Beramy so like...why even bother trying...?

Who Fucking Cares?

Macon in Asheville taught me that. Who fucking cares? At the end of the day, we all go home and try to sleep. We dream and wake and do it again.

(I'm listening to Bounce It by Juicy J for the solid throw back)

If we go to sleep alone and we wake up alone, doesn't that mean we're the only one in charge of our body?

I'm actually very sorry if I use 'our' and "we' interchangeably. 

But we are the masters of our own time. So YOU decide what KIND of job you want to have

so YOU decide what you make per hour.

YOU also decide what type of job you tell people you have.

there's a reason why their hiring team will use the word "family".

Stop asking "what will they say" and start demanding "who fucking cares|"

do no harm