terrible temptation to tickle then tangle
but brimming before betraying boy's bangles
smoking summons sultry sensations
while weeping whispers wily waylation

tough werks

things need to be in order
everything must have a place
we can't skate by or constantly wonder
whether we can really control the space

we need structure,
we need time
we need loyalty,
we shouldn't be blind

blind to our needs
blind to our desires
blind to over-knees
blind to our own fire

we work together
& we work it well!
we collude and conspire
we salvage & we sell.

we dream, we dare
we giggle a lot
we scheme, we scare.
we do what we're taught

keep it moving, keep it alive
strive for beauty, strive for stride
keeping pace isn't the same as keeping up
this may be a race but we're all just mutts

blurb #5

swollen throats
broken notes
swallowed dreams
time machines

delayed risks
labored fists
stolen glasses
frisky gator
missing masses
ignored investigator
queso quesadilla
lucky pepper

the alphabet gayme

semi-unwilling to feel the pain
shell out a shilling to catch the train
quickly now, before the rain
faster, still, before the blame

but time moves slow, when you're all alone
fear blisters skin when you can't condone

sticky sweat sweetens swears
nipply nets never near
always, actually, aware - awoken
braised balls barely broken
cautious calls clamor claims
dangerous dogs damage dames
egocentric error elicit ease
feasible facets fixing fees
grazing goats give grace
hazing hoaxes hinder heartrates
illegal idioms immonize ideals
jesus jesuits jiggle jives
klepto karts, kismet knives
lazy losers laying lies
maze movers missing mice
naysayers never know nice
ostentatious opals open olives
partying persons pardon polishes
quickened quetzals quiz quandaries
rickity reckless rushing restless
synergy symposiums symbolize sanity
tipsy teachers tantalize tempests
usurpers using useless undulation
vexing vixens visualize verbatim
wandering westward without wallowing
yesterday, yes, you're yellowing.

waltzing alone

i'm calm, i'm collected
i'm soft, i'm reflective
i'm full, i'm empty
i'm bored, i'm weeping

i'm gentle, i'm aggressive
i'm posh, i'm progressive
i'm off, i'm obsessive
i'm pop, i'm progressing
i'm lean, i'm lifted
i'm mean, i'm promiscuous
i'm goofy, i'm tame
i'm aloofy, i'm game
i'm awake, i'm alert
i'm sneaky, i'm covert

i blame, i accuse
i stain, i abuse
i wait, i push
i state, i lust
i call, i care
i stall, i stare
i mush, i mingle,
i'm lost, i'm single.

hallu

we cope and we learn
we process and we yearn
we believe then we beget
we bereave what we regret

el fin

this may seem like i'm just repeating
i may sound like i'm really bleeding
but i need a way to get this out
i need to found a way to shout
i'm done with this!
i'm done with y'all!
i'm past this shit
i'm ready to fall
i need my room
i need my place
i need to zoom
to another time in space
free me out, let me breathe
let me go, just let me grieve
grieve for what couldn't be
grieve for the different me
the one who used to let you walk
the one who smiled instead of talked
the one who opened up if they asked
the one who buckled down to bare my ass
this time is for good, you all can keep it
i'll never say i told you so
this is the deep end
this is the The End
the one people want
what they don't know is
you have to work so
you can flaunt
this isn't easy, living on the land
away from everyone, with no legs to stand
you get the web and you get electricity
and, sure, you even get to live in eccentricity
but what you don't know, what you don't see
is there is no I, there is only we
and if you weren't a part of that
you're just a pawn,
you're merely a stat
that can be redrawn
they'll feed you whatever to keep their stance
but you're easily replaced with other hands
they are pack and you're an intern
you're a slave who was sent to burn
burn your light until you're snuffed
do the work but you're never stuffed

cause farm life means groceries
means you're gonna live on the cheap cheap
cause you have no right to feel happy
not when you're got a job and live for free
you thought that the life you wanted
you thought it's be cool to have no warrant
but you were wrong, but at least you tried
you tried to stay strong, instead you died
but you were brought here for a reason,
you had to sweat out, sweat out this season.
so you could see: it's not all goats and eggs
it's spiders, it's bees, it's hours of dreads
it's reading, it's giving, it's surrendering your life
it's speeding, it's thrifting, it's being a house wife
doing the things no one wants to do
cuddling your dog till you're needed to
to do some other task, some other job
something they won't cause they seem like slobs
i don't hate them, i love the place
i only know that i need my space
i need some time to see my face
i need some room to reclaim my race
i bubble up, my pot's too full
the water's ready: it's time to cull.

sucking up

swallowing
wallowing
allowing
doubt living
proud sing
crowd surfing
loud cursing

----

savory sausage
wicked tweets
flavored flossing
meager meets
let downs compared
to edgy scorps
never prepared
for falsified snopes
layered lemons
lazy snares
favored screams
wicked wares

---
summon the fear
while death feels near
never hold dear
your virgin rear
unless a tear
may summon a bear
then all if fair
within the lair

an old reddit post from junior year of college

For years, I allowed myself to be suppressed. When I was twelve, I wanted to wear athletic shorts and a T-shirt to school every day. I wanted to hang with the guys and flirt with the girls. And then, one day, my mom told me that I couldn't wear shorts to school anymore. She took me shopping and bought me a slew of feminine clothes so that I could "be more girly" just in time for hormones to kick in.

In hindsight, I see why things developed the way they did. I became unsatisfied with my daily life, I started to act like the center of the party at school. Flashing my friends because I could, sitting on people because it was funny, ignoring homework to socialize because I thought it would get people to like me. But really, I only left the house for school and sports events.

Though I had tons of friends at school and could name all the kids from kindergarten through 8th grade, I would come home to parents "too old to play games" and, being an only child, I got tired of doing the same puzzle over and over again. I found the internet.

The internet was interesting at first: I found out about things I'd never even dreamed of and it was there that I had my first real conversation about sex. Being six foot and black in a predominantly white private school, my crushes on those Christian boys around me never amounted to more than "we should be friends" or "I don't think it would work out." After crying over the latest friend zone, my mother told me that no white boy would ever want to bring me home: all white boys want is sex.

That's when I realized my mother was full of shit.

The internet didn't care what I looked like. Or so I thought. I started posting provocative pictures on dating websites, claiming to be nineteen to talk to single men in my area. They were fascinated with me! I received so much attention with, for lack of better phrasing, my huge black boobs. I started relationships with these men and, under my parents' noses, began to meet up with them in secret and explore my sexuality.

There was something taboo about it. Sure, my mom had given me the sex talk when I was in fifth grade, but she treated it as something I wouldn't have to worry about until way later down the road. She mentioned masturbating in passing and played it off as something weird people do. I met up with these guys looking for answers, looking for a feeling that would tell me that everything would be okay.

I couldn't get pleasure. No matter how many guys I told I had never orgasmed, no one could do it. Shit, I couldn't even do it. I became disgusted with my vagina. I could arouse myself with my mind but if I touched myself, all those feelings went away. It was like I was cockblocking myself.

As I grew, I found myself becoming more numb. High school was one of the best things to happen to me and I found myself happiest when I was sneaking around in the dark woods, smoking cigarettes in clandestine meetings and getting high with my friends.

It didn't last. Again, I was friendly enough to know everyone in the school but I only formed one or two close relationships with my peers. This made it hard to stay in touch with reality because, as soon as school let out, they went home and so did I. I began experimenting with the internet again.

By that time, I had realized that I didn't like meeting up with strange men. Too much could go wrong and you never left fully satisfied. I got a webcam to keep things strictly virtual. It didn't mean much, but I left those chatrooms with the satisfaction that someone had reached an orgasm because of me. I started looking around forums and then I realized: people treat you differently on the internet if you're male.

So Boris was created. I talked to girls, seduced them with my poetry, chatted with dudes about writing, and I made YouTube videos where I substituted lyrics from Disney songs with my own verses in tribute to the girls I was talking to. I became happier; I talked to girls about their problems from all over the world and they responded with affection.

Then I got to college. I, basically, got a full ride for being a smart black kid. My parents didn't have the money to send me to the liberal arts school in California that I wanted to go to and my dream school didn't offer enough scholarship money. In the end, I had to stay in state if I wanted to get an education.

I hated it.

I told everyone I could of my predicament and found a lot more of the exact same story. I bonded with these people and tried to spend my time with them. But I was bored. I'd conditioned myself to want to break the rules and do things that could make my parents angry if they ever found out. They never did. Sure there were close calls (my mom finding a discarded cellophane packaging from a pack of cigarettes, phone calls on my phone bills to and from places she didn't know, and once a pair of dirty underwear I tried mailing to a lover!) but I never had the hammer dropped on me.

Eventually they started to trust me. My dad stopped calling me every time he didn't recognize a payment on my card. My moms phone calls went from "daily missed" to leaving voice messages telling me to call her when I got the chance. School was a bore. My honors classes were the only ones that challenged me to think outside the box and my English classes encouraged me to develop thoughts and ideas to display concisely on paper.

I started therapy about a week into college. My counselor helped a lot but we couldn't figure out why I was so miserable. We searched for solutions, ways to get involved around campus but it still wasn't enough.

Then I met him.

He was interesting and frustrating and eccentric and intelligent. We met on the internet when I was going by Kevlar. After a five minute conversation I was IN LOVE. He was edgy and interesting and asked thought provoking questions that made other people uncomfortable. I wanted to love him.

We talked in private and I revealed that I was biologically female and he was distraught. Still, we kept talking. And the more we talked and the more I told him about my life, I fell out of love with him. He was a companion, someone I could share my deepest darkest secrets with. There was still a secret desire that """"one day"""" he would love me but it became much less prevalent as we chatted.

One day, he asked me: "have you ever thought of being a dude in real life?"

I know that it sounds cliche, but my life literally changed before my very eyes.

He helped me come to terms with my identity and I realized that I really liked being called Kev on the internet (short for Kevlar). It them became Kevin, the name which I would begin shaping my entire life around.

It was like a fucking movie, y'all. Though I didn't have the courage to talk to anyone in real life about this development besides my counselor, I started doing better in school. I joined an honor fraternity. I played intramurals and decimated my cisgender female opponents.

I had a confidence boost that I knew who I was and I knew what I would do after I graduated: change my name, surgery, and move somewhere far away and would never have to tell my parents. It became a goal to work toward and I thrived.

But the more and more I kept meeting people and giving them my birth name, the less happy I was. I felt like a lie. After a year of talking with my therapist, I wanted to make Kevin a reality, not just a presence on the internet. I, very slowly, came out to some of my friends. I didn't receive any backlash which felt like a good sign.

I grew more bold. I used the name Kevin whenever I could, though my student ID couldn't be officially changed until I legally changed my name. The GSA at my school worked with our college to get the system to show our "preferred name" if it was different from the actual roster. My junior year, now, I utilized this service and for this semester I've been Kevin in all my classes.

I got a job in the fall to support my excessive pot smoking habit. I wanted to be included on my friends' plans and most of the open minded people I liked smoked so I continued the habit. I knew my job would be temporary as I gave them my birth name instead of my real name. It was fantastic - working with dogs and giving baths and trimming toenails and folding laundry. I'd always liked dogs because of their energy and their compassion without having to say a word. I didn't have to hear my birth name every time a dog walked in.

I worked a lot. Schoolwork suffered as I struggled to explain my passion of work with animals to my parents. I loved working and going to work but I couldn't manage schoolwork on top of it. I called my mom to explain how stressed out I was and how I wanted to drop out of school to work full-time.

She told me of how much money they had spent sending me to private school. She told me of how much they struggled to keep my education, even with the financial aid that my school provided. She said that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I graduated. She said that I owed them that.

So I tried. But school was so fucking hard when I was trying to balance work with it. My work place was twenty minutes away from my dorm and I didn't have a car. My best friend often drove me to work and it started putting a strain on our relationship, which stressed me out even more.

I had an idea to commit suicide on the way to work one day, when my friend let me borrow his car. I was almost there and suddenly the idea hit me: "I could rest if I was dead." My eyes glazed over, my heart slowed to a crawl and I focused my eyes on a tree on the side of the road. As I started crying and the car began to drift to the right, the front tires hit the grass and I swerved back onto the road.

I had responsibilities.

This wasn't my car, I had to close at work, my parents would be distraught, I needed to succeed in school so I could move away and be Kevin. I cried for most of the work day and, when my boss asked me what was wrong and I told her, she said that I had more to live for and then left me by myself to finish the shift.

It felt really shitty. I fell into depression, going to work numb and ignoring my schoolwork. My grades took a toll and I dropped dangerously close to the threshold I need to keep to keep my scholarship. I couldn't function.

I quit my job and started anti-depressants and suddenly everything was looking up. I had more time to hang with friends and I could finally get my work done. Unfortunately, its too little too late and I can't bring my grade up in time for the end of this semester. I'm almost definitely going to lose my scholarship.

So I guess my whole point of writing this is to tell someone of my struggle. I want someone to read this and tell me that I'm not stupid and that everything will be okay. I know I'm going to lose my scholarship but I have another two or three weeks to prepare to return home for the summer.

I want to come out to my parents. It hurts, at this point, to continue concealing from them. I know that it won't go well (my mother started crying hysterically when I told her I might be bisexual) but I think that I can handle it now. I plan to get a job in my home town and move back in with them temporarily. Its going to break my parents' hearts but, after writing this, I really do think that everything will be okay.

That being said, I'm really fucking nervous and I had a dream of what I would say to them which gave me the confidence to come up with this plan. Over the next few days, I want to work on what to say to them and speculate reactions so I can be ready. I'm ready to see the world as Kevin and for the world to see me as I am.

Thank you for reading this and wish me luck.

EDIT: CL missed connection for cc

i told you i was off from work
(was hoping for a little flirt)
i told you to dance in the rain
while i just circled down the drain
your texting slowed, then silence showed
our daily lives were not the same.

i wanted you to open more
come out, let me show you the world
you started to give me control
then you stayed fragile as a bird

you let me chase you carefully,
got my interest indefinitely.
i'm sorry that i blasted through
all the bases to pressure you
i'm a slave to my emotions
my follies: my daily lotion.

i took and gave but mostly took
i felt with you, you had me shook.
i tried to move, to find my heart
i found my dog, is that a start?

i'm still in heat, in heat for you
i don't need sex, i just need you
can we try this? try this again?
or will i travel 'til the end?

i broke my heart when i hurt you
i ran away but i miss you
i would come back, come back for you
no one has heard a peep from you

i miss that night, under the stars
you stroked my legs and giggled hard
i held you then, cupped your behind
i should have took you, made you mine

i didn't want to leave you then
Mother agreed, She brought the rain

we never slept, we loved to talk
i went for coffee & kind of stalked
i panicked when you called me next
excited, yes, but car was wrecked

you sounded weird when i picked up
almost as if i called your bluff
you didn't think that i would talk
i never should have let you walk

walk right out of my boring life
cause after that i fell to strife
tried to find a similar love
instead found out you were my glove

(that was weird please disregard
rhyming's easy, syllables hard)

i've babbled on too long in this
i've waded through but still i miss

your eyes, your light, your caring thoughts
playful tease but could not be bought
sitting there on the couch with you
smiling, laughing, not feeling blue

when i saw you i felt complete
that night of pong stuck on repeat
i couldn't win! how hard i tried!
i can't move on, my heart is fried

i mimic, now, your energy
treat all with kindness, yet i bleed
where are you now? your house is bleak
they say move on but i'm still weak

the warmth that flooded in my cheeks
i haven't dreamed for weeks and weeks
only nightmares of death, decay
...are you gone? are you not okay?

we were special, you felt it, right?
this interracial - black & white
yin & yang, our push & pull
the sun & moon, china & bull

you taught me gentle, showed me grace
i tried to show my older face
i've grown stronger, and wiser still
i've learned to give, i've learned to fill

i hope you see this, maybe respond
cause i never will forget our bond.

ode 32: looking down

forward thinking
endless decline
always blinking
lost in time
dismayed drinking
fictitious struggle
countless rethinking
fucking muggle.

ode 31: ignorant

not that we can't communicate, cause we really do
not that we can't get laid cause i think it's true:
you have physical feelings for me and i for you
but we won't make it work, there's too much blue
we're stuck in this constant push and pull
but your confidence is like a bull:
enraged by that red flag
but never slowing to a lag
i wish for more but you trap me here
in the friend zone, so close to free
i'm not saying that all we need
is some time, space, and room to bleed
but we need newness, we need life
i may be domestic but i'm not your wife
i'm strong and competent and don't take no shit
i conform to situations but i don't get bit
go ahead, turn around, try to reclaim your space
you'll just keep ignoring what's clearly in your face

ode 30: the come down

i couldn't guess what you were gonna say
except 'i'm retarded' a million times in a day
what was wrong? there was nothing i could do
except sit back, get high, then stare at you.
i freshened up nicely, got in a good swim
tried to rub your shoulders, to find your zen
but you wouldn't let me, you had to take care
not to show weakness, tho, with your eyes, you stare
at me from the corner of your sight
watching me move, get ahold of this light.
i gotta keep moving, no more sitting around
i'm having fun alone, i'll just stand my ground

----
don't let him in, no matter the cost
----

you'll only get stuck if you trust this fuckboy
you've already proven that you're a bad sex toy
the loud kind that squeals from any affection
that covers his face and forgets to mention
"oh right, respect me, you better use the pronouns correct
of ellse i'll just cut you, without a hint of respect"
i won't be messed with, my identity is mine
i built it this way so i could call myself fine
i strive to love me, to accept my flaws
but mother Nature has found me, put my life on pause
maybe i should stay here? really settle with em
really scour the gay scene, just like pacific rim
i'm mostly agape here, a walking pile of emotions
but don't you worry cause we'll all keep floatin'

derailed

what does your gut say?
what are the words to pray?
what feelings must i relay
to show you that i would stay?
crawl into your arms, settle down for a day,
simmer down now, there's more to say
just close your eyes and try to pray
here he comes? or wait, just a little spray
tempting titties trickles out to play
i'm super sorry for ruining the day
but i really am quite a good lay
just give me your lips, with nothing to say
tremble, here, then let us enter the fray

i've taped my own mouth shut

full and stuffed mean the same
there's too much to eat and too much to name

little stud, looking to prove
that i'm here for you and won't be moved
i wish jess came, i wish i could show
her what i like to feel and not so much for slow
i'm so sorry for ignoring
i just don't know how to approach
i'm really not boring, no need for reproach
single and lonely with time to spare
cool little kitchen with dope little flair
hard to talk to, even harder to look
i'll just stay b u r i e d, here, in this teal little book

parking lot

you better believe it, i strive for sober
i try to keep it, we ain't never getting older
present for meditation, for thinking it over
music for feeling things, for getting bolder
reminder of food, food for fodder
unbelievable attitude, a tentative toddler

i'm sorry for breathing, i'm sorry for living
i'm sorry for brooding, i'm sorry for forgetting
let's put it out, return to safety
hope we don't get jumped on the way to eating.

ode 13 : on the clock // kinks

blistering winds
scorching rain
festering wounds
sardonic pain

missionary lift
tentative raise
promising rift
repeated plays

misery adrift
belittled blaze
seasonal spliff
passionate gaze

snarky flirts
pointed jabs
bubble burst
now take a lap.

-----

breathing intense
labored moans
wooden stints for
broken bones

limbs afailing
bodies too close
not close enough,
male scent inhaling

pin me down
tell me i'm bad
give me a hard spanking
cause i made you mad

i might be a brat
but the kink world is broad
it's just like a new POS system:
you start by learning your mods.

ode 12 : a portrait

digging forever, no treasure in sight
just a dusty old map, too rigid to leave the pipe
it's the one you picked up,
that random day at work,
lying amongst the rubble,
the quietest of clerks.
special places marked off of lives now lived
a heart around dallas, unable to regift
you can't just rewrap it and pass it on over
who's gonna take care it won't rip? who will be it's new owner?

self-process 21: stay?

i'm afraid i've fallen too much
my knees are cut, i was in a rush.
but, unless you lose your touch,
you should have room to strut your stuff

ode 11

see, i'm shooting the verses like i needed the space
but i'm really just empty and keeping up pace
you'll only lose me if i change place
you didn't mean to abuse me, i'm just trying to save face.

ode 29: runaway love

just put your trust, your trust in me
i know it's hard, it's a pretty long leap
we'll land on our feet
to find a new beat
while we plan a sly retreat
way across to the dallas heat
find and see and live and meet
forced to LIVE, live trick-or-treat
keeping your job? wow, what a feat
but you can't move forward if you don't move your feet.

ode 27: laying next to you in the darkness hoping you'll touch me

from whence you came,
go back good sir
i have not the time
nor money for this whirl
i got plans and it's do or die
my heart is pounding but i have to try

the fifth of deny

constant rejection is
oddly affection
sobering reflection for
insipid inception
blatant redirection for
wavering acceptance

---

i never had you
but i'm lost and blue
i wish i were
the one for you

----

if i cum to satiate,
will you ever initiate?
it's cause i chase
that we go to waste
wish we had time
to clear our plate

---

keep me in check,
please watch me dance
let's hang together
you put me in a trance
i want your eyes
all over me
i want to die
but instead i'll flee

---

let me come in your presence
then i can hang, without insistence.

m & m

anything to beat this heat
stand aside while i beat my meat
fascinated by who we meet
we joke and play, pls suck my teat
i forgot the past but see the day
i work a lot and forget to play
so i will rue, will rue the day
when you go, say you cannot stay
bound in time, i leap the lines
i feel weak, too weak to rhyme
my vision blurred, energy drained
no time to sleep, everything to gain

i ain't hungry, i don't need rest
i'm always up for looking my best
i may have tried to keep you here
but the time is gone, so i live in fear
when will i see you? a month? a year?
i'm sorry i'm shit, you gave me your ear
thanks for hearing, for putting up with me
hit me up some time so we can watch Glee

ode 27: to compromise or nah

i feel most at home when he's by my side
but it's selfish, really, and he has so much pride
what's scary is that i see myself in him
not like that, you perv, but that's how i've been
stuck in this rut, of imagining us together
watching the storm and enjoying the weather
i know we should stop, let go of the white
but the familiarity seems cool & i'm just not quite
ready to give up, to leave it be
but i'm always reaching for him, even though there's a fee
the unspoken baggage that i bring to the plane
we're flying "for free" but what does that mean?
bouncing off each other, trying to find the right time
to blow shit out the water, to really make him mine
or maybe he won't, with too many difference to count
of maybe we're perfect, the perfect dismount
step off that high horse, bearing the symbol of christ
come down to my level and i'll treat you real nice

ode 26: why the fuck u lying

eyes awake but brain asleep
he prays to lord for soul to keep
should i die before i wake
i regret that we didn't try to take
what we had, turn it to gold
instead we slumbered, while it got sold
peddled off, in some other love birds' den
while it washes away, from the tip of this pen
you can't miss what you didn't have
so maybe it's better, instead of making him mad
cause if you shove him open, go for broke
...well, what's to lose? you're both now woke
from unspoken feelings to texting mad
we both apologized...so why feel bad?
cause our time feels wasted, snorted away
we sit in silence tho there's so much to say
"why do you think you're the only thing valid?"
or "why do we need to be quiet, i'm writing your ballad"
the things i wish about when we're both in here
how i don't mind being alone but you put my mind in gear
making plans to leave, but always get stopped
the bad ones are gone...is it time to step up?
you've got opportunity here, a chance to rise
if it's not about the money, lay down the guise
you like to feel needed, so why would you go?
they're desperate for bodies, you shouldn't say no
you stand to make money, to balance your work
to really step up, to have your second birth
you're afraid of commitment, that much is true
but is it really that bad? or is it just you?

ode 25 to A

i really liked the times you showed me
i felt so close to you
you showed me you and i showed you me
but why is it you refuse to see
that we were kinda meant to be
as you can provide for me mentally
while i provide for your every need
i could let you take the lead
but you prance around like a weathered steed
like you can never dream for something better to be
as you're still beating yourself for the man you used to be
and, of the secrets you shared with me,
that was the one i was scared to see
cause i knew you knew how to leave
but still didn't want to believe that you could do it to me
but you did that night, right there in front of me
when i tried to explain my body, to entertain free
but you sat there
and l a u g h e d  a t  m e .

why everyone should get a dog

dumbing down the domestication
for fevered favored fragmentation.
creatures that fill your deepest voids
who prevent you from feeling paranoid

quit

mopping builds the muscle
just like running in the rain
always trying to hustle
with nothing left to gain
treat it like a struggle,
the ins and outs of work
lessons gotta be learned
but being present may just work
if you sleep and save
your dream away
is it really gay to find the way
to call her "bae"
at the end of the day
as we fade out, fade into gray

ode 24

you didn't need to freak out
you didn't mean to leak out
you're finishing the week out
never take the weak out


temptation strong to succumb to drink
he might be strong, too strong to link
cause sitting here on the edge of brink
gives too much space and time to think.

listen to you, hear yourself
bristle at few, heal your self
fix the brew, the keebler elf
the day is new, pack up your shelf

ode 8/10

intellect and cunning and bravery and wit
i sometimes stretch the truth, hoping to get lit
but that's where i crash, where we remain the same
where you don't want me but i sigh out your name
i feel like you think i need sex
nigga, i need YOU, what don't you get?
it's crushing me to learn more and more
how you want to explain while i want to explore
you finally have someone where there is mutual trust
i can't lie to you, i'm still feeling the lust
not the carnal right now, cause i actually don't like it
but those lips, those! lips! how long must i fight it?
it'll feel right when the love outpours
or maybe i'm fiending and it's just time for more
----
what will we do when i don't depend on white,
to sit around with you, talking all night?
i love your leisure, how you relax with my gaze
i think i'm still hiding now that i left the purp haze
but vices are crucial to pivotal moments and shit
cause when better to  be woke than when you're real fucking lit?
not saying we catapult from friends to fuckin'
but i'm so fucking tired of constant prebussing
like 'oh i'm sorry, i should say that i like you'
inwardly screaming 'oh fuck i can't even live without you'
which is really dramatic and not even true
he said we won't fuck so how can i know trust is true?
i trust him a lot and i wish i could say
that he seduced my thoughts, stopped me from walking away
well, look here buddy, i'm getting tired of .... what?
i guess i'm not really tired and i've not given up.

ode 9

why do you yawn whenever you lie?
why does your tone remind me to smile?
your teasing warms me to the bottom of my soul
it keeps me toasty while the rest of the loaf stays cold
not because they have no depth
but because i can't respect a lack of worth ethic
your eyes can lie, or my lips can be swayed
just remember the shifts where we both got paid.
something is happening, something beautiful and good
and i know you won't, but ...  fuck, i wish you would.

ode 7: being observed

confirmation bias is real and true
your mind's the same, even with the new 'do
finding your place, right here next to me
i would give you the last breath of me
love entrances me, makes me forget
who i was before you, when i wasn't wet
love is sex? or maybe not?
we could be soulmates or maybe rot
but when do kindred spirits mold together?
is it not through time spent, regardless of weather?
are you reading now what i write down?
will you want me to share or should i pipe down?
i'm swallowing my words because the pain's too thick
of how it feels to be denied your dick.

ode 6

wow okay, slow it down
you're just really high but your nose is brown
i see the way i look at you
when i feel your eyes so deep and blue
i want to be held, tell me it's alright
we can settle together, let's call it a night

ode 5: the misgendering

stagger out or stick around
run your mouth or stand your ground
don't flee when your feelings sting
but don't get mad cause you're helpless, g
you finally have someone to shoot the shit
but that don't mean i am your bitch
i ain't mad but i am a little miffed
that you would even say that shit
cause i'm HERE, BOY a masculine frame
and you didn't even ask my birth name?
that's years of respect, solidified in truth -
so why the slip-up? why so uncouth?
i understand curiosity and i'll explain myself
but that was a reach, dog, but blame myself
i spent so long trying to seduce
that i closed my eyes to the bitter truth
i love you and you love me
but we ain't romantic and never will be

personal process under the influence 48

flick of the wrist, supposedly it's out
little sniffles mean nothing, the big inhale tho? no doubt
mixing mediums of curiosity
please just pass a hit of tweed
if you wanna be lazy and say dumb shit
if you wanna be basic and always stay lit:
move to portland, go on, i dare you
but that house could break you - do you even dare, kid?

ode 4

functioning without you
is like waiting for skies of blue
while drops crash on fogged shields
not from loving, but from fear
trust is a dance that i didn't learn
i keep my distance but still i yearn
every day smiling because the need gives validation
forget smoking weed, snort up the retaliation
inhale and think, spew out some words
close your eyes, this shit is for the birds

prophecy 12

i'm making it happen because i need a new place
a new frame of reference, a new change of space
i want to fix it, to feel like i belong
like i'm the highest note of your favorite song
i wish i had confidence to live louder than words
that i could soar above my despicable germs

i wish for validity & i wish for free
i wish for walking & letting it be
i wish for boys too high to care
i wish for worried eyes & different hair
i wish for wealth & i wish for fame
i wish to stay masculine & change my name

ode 3

i could wish about you and me
now that we drift along so peacefully
sometimes caught up in forbidden glee
a welling beast of untamed sarcophony
and while you quell the roar of your apathy,
i'll be over here, preparing to flee
i mean,
just,
why won't you listen to me?

ode 2

if i were female, you claim it'd be a different story
but yeah, i'm a dude but dude don't you worry
i got us, we got each other
we both gotta fix our similar mothers
so handsome, so chiseled, convinced he's guided by god
not quite so unfamiliar to the independence that i call 'my bod'
maybe he just doesn't trust his body around me?
or maybe he doesn't see me like that & i'm barking up the wrong tree?

i guess at this point my psyche would latch onto just about anyone
so i guess that's the scariest part of it all now:  I ' v e  C o m e  U n d o n e

ode 1

most wallets stay stacked with cash
but only if you got the stash
when you stay, i feel like smiling
even if we pass time rewinding
am i interpreting too much into this?
am i destroying the one i want to kiss?
i don't know if true love is real
but i know i love learning your deal
how we smoke and chill and talk and laugh
how we look and dwell and turn so brash
i would apologize if i were sorry
but my gut is wrenching without your worry

calling

with lusting lost
and everything to gain
whistle for me, lover,
and we'll hop on the train

i was wrong, you were the one
your lips just felt so good on the tongue
i can resist these lustful urges so that i can spend time with you
until we find the time, the place, and the space to start anew

c.c.

now he says it with annoyance,
as if he knows, or has clairvoyance
remind me of your sign again?
does it matter? when is the weekend?
he'll be gone, lost in the family
while we're here, dutifully scanning
looking for a place so i can move on
so i can call you, to be your bail bond
i really did push, more than i meant
but pleast don't be done, please don't be spent.

my bad

the day is new and so are you
a little overcast but forever blue
things have changed, but where are you?
don't need weed to pass the time
i get fucked up, and forget my line
let's go to work, sober as a nun
jack of all trades but master of none
obsessively search for meaning behind
the time you were born, no need to rewind
i fucked up, claimed to be alive
but i told a tall tale and i wanna dive
back into your beautiful depths
come back to me and we'll keep unkempt.

scotch tape

worried here or pleasant there
covered mohawk or tension squared
empty giggles and deadened eyes
acura searching, forever surprise
statue tumble and edgy toes
sunken eyes and pledging vows
caught in concern, milling about
sticking to remount and instilling doubt

not that i miss him
   (ok maybe i do)
but with the way i framed it
it was either me or you
with nothing left to do
but sink into the blue
missing nights were prudent, dude
but together we can film our nudes
to then salivate over, as if our food
until we both are able to conclude
that the interlude
only made me lust for you
cause you were my glue
to keeping my crazy 'do
remain so cool
and sadly here, without you
i've come apart

i'm nearly split in two.

green light

i awoke with feverish pride
too early for work but too early to die
horns echoing out of hoods of blue
casual candor over peoples' doom

i am yours now, you societal beast
i prepare food with love, a neverending feast

destined for love and the greatest happening
they still spill our blood over colin kaepernick
they play with us but we aren't them
that white american village, with a virtual blend
of the melting pot, aimed at peace
poured over jobs, or the feelings - at least.

what's this? what's this?

i can't drink you away
i've tried jack i've tried coke
i just wish to stay woke
i can't drink you away

i can't remember your tired eyes
but i miss your adorable smile
why don't i see him with better eyes?
why can i not supervise my own demise?

i can't steam you away
i've tried goats, i've tried weights,
i've tried all of these mates

i can't scare you away
i've tried texts, i've tried feels,
i've tried lifting my wheels

i can't dream you away
i've tried boys, i've tried meth,
i've tried giving my breath

oops

i like you and i want to taste
instead of ruining, of laying to waste
i remember you and your supple lips
i miss you and your subtle rips
the ones where you tear me down
make me giggle but never frown
i long for you, for normalcy
but i'm stuck in ever-present truancy
i wish i saw you to celebrate your birth
to give you backbone and a sense of worth
but i ruined it, no, i ruined Us
i got caught up in the sacred blood

reflect

so after i got done licking off the cheesy wet sticky dust off my bitten,bleeding cuticles and picking mushed almond & rice crackers out of my poorly maintained yellowing teeth after having smoked a bowl just a nug too big, after stepping out to go to the cash wash to vacuum the inside of Felicia out after months of neglected soggy tortilla chips spilled a dry-heavingly long time ago, i realized i was hungry again and had spent my money on an experience instead of groceries, like originally planned.

coward v3

sargeant moon reporting for duty
i swear i'm fine, no need to be moody
hungry or nah? we test our limits
thirsty for drawers, of cutting lemons
slick retreat while the bills are paid
respond to junior - don't you want to get laid?

frantic meetings, at best A Date
i guess you'll just have to wait
wait some more, til you're old
don't get obsessed but don't be bold

resurrect the ancient feelings of "love"
try to remember to look above
cause it's all connected, it's all here to glaze
now all i gotta do is forget how to blaze

bpd refill

i am consumed by flavors of the week
it starts out dry until the meat
play it shy, hide the freak
acting cool and being meek

i woke up like this: high
i smoke up like this: why
i looked up at this: bye
i spoke up like this: hi

it might have been fun at first
but not speaking your mind feels like the worst
sober is boring, drinking is too
so it's back to crashing, hoping for the boys in blue

i stay crazed mainly 'cause it's inane
to fuck with the pain in your brain
while you're lame and trying to stay on the train
then you try to leave your stain on the game

check up

sergeant moon reporting for duty
i swear i'm fine, no need to be moody

hungry or nah? we test our limits
thirsty for cocks, for cutting lemons

slick retreat while the bills are paid
respond to junior - don't you wanna get laid?

frantic meetups or host a date
i guess you'll just have to wait

wait some more until you're old
don't get obsessed but don't be bold

resurrect ancient feelings of "love"
try to remember to look above

cause it's all connected, it's all here to glaze
now all i gotta do is forget how to blaze.

romance:?

those precious eyes
that hanging hair
that tempting smile
that rueful stare

the forgotten memory
of love tries to fade
valentines around the corner
hop on the wave

zip up your jacket
face your eyes front
keep your eyes on black
if he asks for another blunt

there's so many cuties
with asses for days
lemme check you out
bathe in your rays

i'm sorry for staring
but i can't help it here
you got me caring
whether i drink in here

find me

trying to get a light, trying to get a life
to never have to hold back again
to find your true love and your star in the sky above

windmill

how to even start? every beginning has an end
we're probably two sides of the same coin, not a trend.
hours of time fly by sitting there next to you,
liqour, weed, cigs, i want it all when i'm with you

i want to feel, i want to talk, i like the speed, i like your walk
i feel like i just woke up from a dream
like i dreamed you and our talking was a scene
if this is a movie, i don't wanna see the credits
i want to see your entrance and i wanna blow my bed up
physical vessel doesn't really mean a thing
i can offer for you if this really is our thing

it seems different now, like i've been cracked wide open
i don't wanna finish now, i wanna know you for a year or ten
i'm sorry if i pressured you or made you feel strange
i'm sorry that i messed up and i didn't fuckin' think

your words stick with me and i hope to stick to you
i'm caught up in your words & i wanna be your boo

necrophilia

faded lessons
learned in vain
complete opposite
of what you tried to train

at least you're sober
(or at most standing)
sorry for the situation
but your dog's dandy

was that an auburn grad?
in cycling gear?
or are you imagining
your sad truths made real?

the opposite of the stereotype
suddenly gentle despite the fights
no, he's tender with skin like silk,
gorgeous as hell, and can't sit still

this headband's got me
so high as fuck
i can't see me eyes
and i'm just hoping for luck

the worst guy

i like you and i want to taste
instead of rotting, of laying to waste
i remember you and your supple lips
i miss you and your subtle rips

the ones where you tear me down
make me giggle but never frown
i long for you and normalcy
but i'm stuck in ever-present truancy

i wish i saw you, to celebrate your birth
to give you the backbone and a sense of worth

but i ruined it
no, i ruined US
i'm sorry
i didn't mean to make a fuss

pep talk #93

in memory of those who lie in wait
in spite of those who died in vain
lick the bible then say your name
maybe the bill will be paid in veins

i could have held the door, for pete's sake
but i just can't imagine a sudden blaze
one where i fly off to the west with you by my side
or the one where i leave you to hitch a ride
or see you again for the seams to be resewed
so just keep quiet, don't need to feel berserk

especially since you can't seem to make rent,
maybe you need two jobs to end the day spent.
focus some more, get your shit in line
stop spending frivolously and be aware of time

ridiculously smothered, why don't you stay awhile?
why not perfect your secret weapon?
what if you suck it up and brighten your smile?

# 78

is this real? have i entered some kind of machine where i've gone back in time and you miss me? i was intense then but i'm worse now so  i don't know if you want to hear me but i miss you, even if i only think of him. i chase him to pass the time and try to get him to understand me on the level that you do. but he's so wrapped up in his own experience that he can't hear me. he sees me. but he can't hear me. you do. you smile at my flirts and our rapport is undeniable. i chased you hard for a reason, right? i realized your beauty and wanted to encourage it but you didn't see me. and now you do.
do i want you?
i want to provide for you. but we have to be together, in the same space, for it to work. i was so raw then, so ready and desperate for a place to belong and you let me stay. stay past my time. and now that i've convinced myself of a new project, you want me back.

ain't life a bitch.

deny deny deny

chocolate, i think
fused with a little berry
stupid, i drink
and hope to be more hairy

camel to couthe, we remember the tease
just a splash of vermouth, it's nothing but ease

nutella of sorts? oh how i wish for a drink
did i really spot him all alone at a sink?
he's based in a dreamer's paradise of locks
when you can do what you want, not conform to a box

we can meet together to just drink a coffee or two
to symbolize the time when i didn't miss you

tomb

let it linger
listen, still
you, sexy dreamer,
seem to fit the bill
i'm enamored, yes
by curious ways of your's
how you state the obvious
and yet you stay
i'm always amused
by your tripping state
and i love the way
you contemplate
the meaning of this,
the feeling of it all,
i would be remiss
if i dropped the ball.

i've tried slow,
and i know i'm always rushing
you have such an even flow
and i like to see you blushing.

remember the tyrants
don't get too tied up
in perilous thoughts
to thine own self be true,
too bad i'm stuck here
missing you

pass the day away,

why fly there
to sit and stay
and smoke a l o t
to be sad all day,
a broken thot.

go to where
you know no one
where your history
is a mystery
and they ask
you questions a l o t.

cause you're tired
of the same old
thoughts and
you like to
be away and
not from around
here.

so while it seems
like you should stay
i really think
i should go away.

errorgance

she speaks yet you stay silent
you're weak but claim you're violent
your scars are proof of your moral-less youth
auditory slave to the masses
but out there eating all sorts of asses
memory painted on a tv screen
fragility claimed with fatal urgency
fervently flamed with effervescent fury
you reach - untamed, unchained, unchanneled, untouched

nonplussed

reality star

three patchy old chairs

three seemingly old mares

with follied ways of

the slapping variety

but actually nothing

worth notoriety 

observations of ira #1

how swiftly he darts with little care
and only slows, a reflected stare
hidden safe behind the trunk
from that handsome cat in darkness,
the one he's afraid of

stagnant staggering

too much imbibed
too little to hold
i've come to rely
on the imminent fold
forget the pain
end my want
you wax and wane
while i try to flaunt
i strut and pose
while you sigh and dip
i'm stuck in repose
while i beg for lip
lick your wounds
(i'll tend to mine)
switching moods
come, drop a line
let's get lost
in    e c s t a s y
come be the boss
of what's left of me

self-warming

work is better than home
so we work ourselves to the bone
and when we don't we're eaten alive
desperate and starving for creative vibes

we eat and shit and sleep and play
we cry and flirt and sigh and stay
even as we wind down for sleep
we can't stay focused on plans to keep

play some music to fill the void
to stop the buzzing and kill the noise
hearts so tender and lips so moist
how could you ever make the choice?

to step forward and formally ask for love
when you're too busy cuddling and won't look above
you can't get something from nothing
you always like who you can't have
tone it down a notch, bub
or you're
gonna
get
canned

hallway

i lie to make you feel better
i like to let you pretend
i'm probably a bed wetter
here, in the bitter end.
the fall from grace
the opening of eyes
i'm become such a disgrace
though i pretend i'm wise.

i don't comprehend
all the feelings she has
so i try to ask questions
so she can realize
the world isn't out to kill her
it's not just some nefarious plot
i'm no longer sure just who i am
while we both just sit here and rot
wasting our time, feeding into the hype
never truly seeing what's wrong and right
her stance remains, her mind made up:
she'll always chase her sorrows to the bottom of the cup

clouds

titillating turbulence
regrettable renaissance
fashionable fallacies
taxing tendencies
broken bastards
charming christians
lopsided liquor
waylaid wicker
tried tavels
united unravel
sarcastic sorries
written worries

debates

i know that i'm not inspired by who's sitting here
it's like she's always stuck in second gear
feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme
cool runnings to pass the time
rich to the core, millions to blow
j.k. rowling giving her money
trump fucking trapped, flies to honey

he's a piece of shit, don't elect
his racist ass, faking dialect
yeah he hates blacks but pretends he don't
y'all might believe him but i fuckin' won't

clinton ain't better, don't you dare believe
that she's got your back, she's got shit up her sleeve

they're all in pockets, rolling in the bank
gay marriage came first, next is dank
but it's all a fucking scheme, it's all a ruse
they'll destroy us all, leave us with abuse

i can't fuckin stand it, don't wanna vote
the lesser of two evils? i'd rather get on a boat

children of aquarius

because what's the world without enigma
aware of the glory but falling in the magma
feeling too lit cause you got too high
unaware that your second guess is a lie

you won't hold tight to your own self be true
instead you blink and watch as others find their truth
and you're stuck on you! you're stuck on youth,
you strive for glory and just smoke the keef

when will you learn?
when you lose another to the Goddess's ground?

maybe hope for pain, hope there's some way you'll love again
when you don't feel a thing, and you can't find a ring
when you're single forever, totally able to suffer anything

but you stay fierce, free to kiss anyone you please
sure it seems ideal, until you don't know what's real
the reel of fortune, when you love what you do

you just win and win and keep moving forward
don't look at the back's you've stepped on, their lives are boring

i guess i'm trying to absolve my human traits
the desire for immortality and hating to wait

there's only so many times you can hit the wall,
come out broke and bruised but still deny the fall.

arks

right beside the forgotten night
lies the beaten, rightful path
without that light, moving forward seems insane
your perky tenacity must burst through the veil

technology utilized but method altered
because without a leg to stand on
you're just a chest

a beating heart thriving to function
but if love does not exist for you
how can you love someone else?

it's not a secret; true love comes from
a place of recognition,
a place you've seen before,
in you For You,
or else how will you see it?

it will feel faint, detached, unrivaled
every brief second date
feels like forever because you're
wondering
if this is the one
and instead of experiencing
you judge, point fingers at flaws

crawl back into your hole
and brood until another one
falls into your lap.

cupboard

lemons dare and hope defeated
handle with care and soon retreated
the usual, then? we got you now
the freshest brew, so often not found

his voice pushes, urges me to see
he smiles and looks and I pretend not to see
you pretend you're flirting with countless others
you show much interest so they feel non-smothered

we smile together, we create the dream
the hint of impossible but tracing the seam
the little knit that keeps us drawn
the winding bit that dangles at dawn

I see you glancing, I feel your heat
I'm not sorry, I won't retreat

we dance past, hold back the truth
we hope for love as we leave the roost
smirking some and winking at few
getting caught up in rhythms of blue

liquor dreams, sanctioned off well
homely encounters meant to dwell

I hope we dance and I hope we compete
until that day, I'm doomed to repeat

bumper to bumper

coming down for fateful rent
rest your eyes now the day is spent
curl up neat next to your brother
close your eyes and wallow together

celebrate your time or what we have left
endless nights filled with regret
not the kind you can speak on
but the words that you forget to sleep on

record your dreams and decorate your space
after all, you don't want to leave a trace

stinging nettles and laborious days
lonely nights fading to a haze
i remember our times and my erroneous ways

now i'm cooped up, ready to spring
fuck the watch, I'll get more bling

cigarettes drowning and speaking in tongues
smoke up a lot and cough out a lung
remember the silence as you strive for sober

it's time to wake up
we ain't never getting older

weak

heaven's alive and god is real
she breathes in us every day
she holds us close until we reveal
what troubles keep us at bay

she's in the air, she's in the trees
her love can know no bounds
her call is 'love!' and her heart is freee
with her, there is no out of bounds

i heard her in the farthest land
er call won't be ignored
she finds you at your weakest point
she's never leave you bored

she lives and laughs among us
her tinkling giggle is on your breath
she's in the snow, she's in the rain
she kisses you on the neck

but My Goddess is fierce,if you treat her well
her smallest touch feels more powerful
than sexy times spent in the bed
unless she's also in your partner

so, at least, if all else fails
you at least sent out you favors

the get-by

Be Your Own Daddy
hold yourself accountable
Be Your Own Daddy
don't take things so personal
Be Your Own Daddy
so you can boss yourself around
Be Your Own Daddy
push your own nose to the ground
Be Your Own Daddy
lay out the laws for what you cannot do
Be Your Own Daddy
the maze was meant for you
Be Your Own Daddy
don't get caught in mania
Be Your Own Daddy
hold the key to your own freedom

choir tour bus

years have come and years have passed
i missed you and you're here at last
to smoke, to chill, to goof around
to play at your house above the ground

your hair, your skin, your nose, your lips
your thighs, your smile, your eyes, your hips
we were younger then, shit, we're young now
but it feels like i've been blessed

to see you today and go to your place
to hang out with all the fry bits

to smoke with you and see your face
right before my dinner shift

we could go out! i'll get you drinks
and have a great night of our own
as long as i don't get overwhelmed with kinks
then my secret cover might be blown

cause i liked you then! shit i like you now

frida kahlo ass

beanie cause you got a hair day
slapping ass while on the line
smiling when i call you bae
or we sit together to dine

i like your voice and i like your jokes
you're the server i wanna see
your brains and your skills stay woke
you're more beautiful than the eye can see

i see no flaws but that's my problem right
i imprint upon validation
well damn, you're pretty in every ligt
and i adore our conversation

it's constant teasing plus back and forth
and we both like sex "a bunch"
i like you a lot but i'm not really worth
the privilege of tasting you for lunch