i sent you a letter this week.

i shouldn't have, i know, but i couldn't resist. as creepy as it'll seem, i also hope that you think it's sweet. i want you to realize how much i miss you and know, just know, that i still love you more than anything in this world.

fuck, it sounds so much creepier out loud.

as sampha said: i messed up, i know now.

i knew it as soon as i sent it. i knew it would change everything, i knew my life would spiral into this hypnotic feed. this hellacious give and take with people i don't trust.

if you don't trust someone, are they really your friend?

the pattern repeats itself: i have coworkers who care but no one who knows. no one who actually gets me, from the core out. mike thinks he does.

he's really convinced that he knows me.

i share a lot of things with him and he shares a lot of things with me. the difference, i think, is the depths at which we share.

my point is: he's the only one who knows even half of what you do. everyone else i keep balanced, poised for perfection so i know exactly what reaction i will get from each and every one of them.

a very delicate puppet show, one where my strings are also being pulled but by a darkened shadow instead of a human.

if you've never seen princess tutu, you should give it a shot.

it's exactly what it sounds like.