wake me up

october is wild 

and it's only the beginning

i can't quite remember

who's losing or winning

i'm stuck in one stop

constantly spinning

a loading error

gone wrong

but, with someone,

i'm twinning

catapult me into the world

i'm tired of sitting

string me up, like a girl

(if you think that's fitting)

i know what i want

so why must i beg?

i'm not a  savant

but i drink up the sledge

sorry for opening the door 

while we're moving

i just wanted to leave

it's not like we're losing

i'm only scared

when people tell me 

to be

i'm not afraid

despite what it

seems

please give me space

while i process

and panick

but check on me some

cause i'm way more

than manic

"that boy needs therapy" - the avalanches

 what is a psychiatrist?

a psychiatrist is a person who studies for a long time to be able to diagnose people and prescribe medicine.

if you can study really hard to eventually be a psychiatrist,

who is the psychiatrist down the street? in milwalkee? in nevada?

all psychiatrists are people who studied.

doesn't it stand to reason that you could also study a lot?

if a psychiatrist only meets with you for an hour

before prescribing you medication

riddle me that, batman

if people are paid to sell 

new medication

to a hospital,

who do you think

they're making the pitch to?

how do you know

if 

your

 medication

is 

working?

"mental illness isn't gendered"

Teenage Euthanasia

Tuca & Bertie

Now Apocalypse

Oh Jerome No

Game Of Thrones

My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Dogs in Space

One Punch Man

top 10 "be your own boss" shows

 Here are the television shows I watched that helped me gain sentience:

Silicon Valley

Rap Shit

Apple & Onion

Chewing Gum

Laser Wulf

Superstore

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Steven Universe

Bonding

Party Down

shipt pt. 6

 YALL IT IS GETTING JUIIIIIIIICY OUT HERE

so shipt has made it very clear that i wasn't fired, especially after i wrote a strongly worded email saying that i would be seeking legal action for firing me.

lol.

so i finally had a meeting with someone in management today

and let me tell you what

the tea is SCALDING HOT WITH THIS ONE

get this:

they want me to get paperwork proving a mental illness

so that i can return

to the position i had 

before i had a meltdown.

even though i have expressly stated that i would not be able to come back to that position, granted my time is worth more than that.

so we're at an impasse.

(nobody cares, i know, i know)

i'm perfectly willing and able to come back to work to be the brand ambassador they would love to have

but there isn't a position.

it was heavily suggested a position could be- 

nevermind, lol. 

i was once again told to wait.

being told to wait is my trigger (sorry not sorry) because that's what my parents did to do

to brainwash me

into being obedient

riddle me this batman:

what happens when you boss tell you to just wait for a position to apply for?

i guess i'll wait and see if a position opens up.

do y'all mind re-granting me access to the system so I can keep waiting for my dream job to open up? 

i can't stop trying

 i've come to learn that romance is not for the faint of heart.

if you don't take the time to ask your partner what they trully want, you will never understand each other. you'll try. for a time. 

you'll keep guessing and trying and guessing and trying until they get tired of your attempts.

or maybe they aren't tired of your attempts. maybe they're still amused.

but if they're still amused, why aren't they trying to give any hints?

why am i supposed to just keep guessing what you want?

aren't we adults enough to vocalize exactly what we want?

i know i'm not dumb and i know he isn't either.

so why can't we both just reveal our hands?

i know exactly what the fuck i want from him.

is he scared...?

uab

three different services tried to get me to choose them. 

my previous employer, the police, and the firefighters.

each was being suuuuuuuper awkward so i eventually chose my previous employer.

because i was in a very particular kind of head space, i agreed to go into the emergency room.

the nurses in the emergency room were very kind but there was waaaaaaay too much police presence.

i know i i've grown up priveledged in a very unique kind of way but why in the WOLRD were there so many police officers stationed in an emergency room?

i understand the safety aspect, i guess.

but when i decided that i didn't want to stay in the emergency room, i found out why there were so many police officers.

i found out what happens when you tell the police that you're not a harm to anyone.

i found out what happens when nobody cares that you're not going to kill yourself.

why didn't the police allow me to leave when i wanted to leave?

why was the room decorated with things i could have potentially harmed myself with?

why was there a segregated area of the emergency room where people were just covered with blankets and getting some well-deserved rest?

why were there sooooooooooooo many black people and 1 white couple wearing masks cowering in the center of it all?

why did the police get to decide i was too rowdy and needed to be tied to a gurney?

why did they pull up their masks but not provide me one?

 what did they put in my body to make me go to sleep almost immediately?

and who gave them the right to do that? 

because i know i didn't, lmao. 

biased

stressing and striving,

we're juking and jiving

oh my god, i'm alive in

a cave full of silence

with a brain made for science

born from a pride full of lions

(i'm A Little conniving)

but just until we all start thriving