EDIT: CL missed connection for cc

i told you i was off from work
(was hoping for a little flirt)
i told you to dance in the rain
while i just circled down the drain
your texting slowed, then silence showed
our daily lives were not the same.

i wanted you to open more
come out, let me show you the world
you started to give me control
then you stayed fragile as a bird

you let me chase you carefully,
got my interest indefinitely.
i'm sorry that i blasted through
all the bases to pressure you
i'm a slave to my emotions
my follies: my daily lotion.

i took and gave but mostly took
i felt with you, you had me shook.
i tried to move, to find my heart
i found my dog, is that a start?

i'm still in heat, in heat for you
i don't need sex, i just need you
can we try this? try this again?
or will i travel 'til the end?

i broke my heart when i hurt you
i ran away but i miss you
i would come back, come back for you
no one has heard a peep from you

i miss that night, under the stars
you stroked my legs and giggled hard
i held you then, cupped your behind
i should have took you, made you mine

i didn't want to leave you then
Mother agreed, She brought the rain

we never slept, we loved to talk
i went for coffee & kind of stalked
i panicked when you called me next
excited, yes, but car was wrecked

you sounded weird when i picked up
almost as if i called your bluff
you didn't think that i would talk
i never should have let you walk

walk right out of my boring life
cause after that i fell to strife
tried to find a similar love
instead found out you were my glove

(that was weird please disregard
rhyming's easy, syllables hard)

i've babbled on too long in this
i've waded through but still i miss

your eyes, your light, your caring thoughts
playful tease but could not be bought
sitting there on the couch with you
smiling, laughing, not feeling blue

when i saw you i felt complete
that night of pong stuck on repeat
i couldn't win! how hard i tried!
i can't move on, my heart is fried

i mimic, now, your energy
treat all with kindness, yet i bleed
where are you now? your house is bleak
they say move on but i'm still weak

the warmth that flooded in my cheeks
i haven't dreamed for weeks and weeks
only nightmares of death, decay
...are you gone? are you not okay?

we were special, you felt it, right?
this interracial - black & white
yin & yang, our push & pull
the sun & moon, china & bull

you taught me gentle, showed me grace
i tried to show my older face
i've grown stronger, and wiser still
i've learned to give, i've learned to fill

i hope you see this, maybe respond
cause i never will forget our bond.

ode 32: looking down

forward thinking
endless decline
always blinking
lost in time
dismayed drinking
fictitious struggle
countless rethinking
fucking muggle.

ode 31: ignorant

not that we can't communicate, cause we really do
not that we can't get laid cause i think it's true:
you have physical feelings for me and i for you
but we won't make it work, there's too much blue
we're stuck in this constant push and pull
but your confidence is like a bull:
enraged by that red flag
but never slowing to a lag
i wish for more but you trap me here
in the friend zone, so close to free
i'm not saying that all we need
is some time, space, and room to bleed
but we need newness, we need life
i may be domestic but i'm not your wife
i'm strong and competent and don't take no shit
i conform to situations but i don't get bit
go ahead, turn around, try to reclaim your space
you'll just keep ignoring what's clearly in your face

ode 30: the come down

i couldn't guess what you were gonna say
except 'i'm retarded' a million times in a day
what was wrong? there was nothing i could do
except sit back, get high, then stare at you.
i freshened up nicely, got in a good swim
tried to rub your shoulders, to find your zen
but you wouldn't let me, you had to take care
not to show weakness, tho, with your eyes, you stare
at me from the corner of your sight
watching me move, get ahold of this light.
i gotta keep moving, no more sitting around
i'm having fun alone, i'll just stand my ground

----
don't let him in, no matter the cost
----

you'll only get stuck if you trust this fuckboy
you've already proven that you're a bad sex toy
the loud kind that squeals from any affection
that covers his face and forgets to mention
"oh right, respect me, you better use the pronouns correct
of ellse i'll just cut you, without a hint of respect"
i won't be messed with, my identity is mine
i built it this way so i could call myself fine
i strive to love me, to accept my flaws
but mother Nature has found me, put my life on pause
maybe i should stay here? really settle with em
really scour the gay scene, just like pacific rim
i'm mostly agape here, a walking pile of emotions
but don't you worry cause we'll all keep floatin'

derailed

what does your gut say?
what are the words to pray?
what feelings must i relay
to show you that i would stay?
crawl into your arms, settle down for a day,
simmer down now, there's more to say
just close your eyes and try to pray
here he comes? or wait, just a little spray
tempting titties trickles out to play
i'm super sorry for ruining the day
but i really am quite a good lay
just give me your lips, with nothing to say
tremble, here, then let us enter the fray

i've taped my own mouth shut

full and stuffed mean the same
there's too much to eat and too much to name

little stud, looking to prove
that i'm here for you and won't be moved
i wish jess came, i wish i could show
her what i like to feel and not so much for slow
i'm so sorry for ignoring
i just don't know how to approach
i'm really not boring, no need for reproach
single and lonely with time to spare
cool little kitchen with dope little flair
hard to talk to, even harder to look
i'll just stay b u r i e d, here, in this teal little book

parking lot

you better believe it, i strive for sober
i try to keep it, we ain't never getting older
present for meditation, for thinking it over
music for feeling things, for getting bolder
reminder of food, food for fodder
unbelievable attitude, a tentative toddler

i'm sorry for breathing, i'm sorry for living
i'm sorry for brooding, i'm sorry for forgetting
let's put it out, return to safety
hope we don't get jumped on the way to eating.

ode 13 : on the clock // kinks

blistering winds
scorching rain
festering wounds
sardonic pain

missionary lift
tentative raise
promising rift
repeated plays

misery adrift
belittled blaze
seasonal spliff
passionate gaze

snarky flirts
pointed jabs
bubble burst
now take a lap.

-----

breathing intense
labored moans
wooden stints for
broken bones

limbs afailing
bodies too close
not close enough,
male scent inhaling

pin me down
tell me i'm bad
give me a hard spanking
cause i made you mad

i might be a brat
but the kink world is broad
it's just like a new POS system:
you start by learning your mods.

ode 12 : a portrait

digging forever, no treasure in sight
just a dusty old map, too rigid to leave the pipe
it's the one you picked up,
that random day at work,
lying amongst the rubble,
the quietest of clerks.
special places marked off of lives now lived
a heart around dallas, unable to regift
you can't just rewrap it and pass it on over
who's gonna take care it won't rip? who will be it's new owner?

self-process 21: stay?

i'm afraid i've fallen too much
my knees are cut, i was in a rush.
but, unless you lose your touch,
you should have room to strut your stuff

ode 11

see, i'm shooting the verses like i needed the space
but i'm really just empty and keeping up pace
you'll only lose me if i change place
you didn't mean to abuse me, i'm just trying to save face.

ode 29: runaway love

just put your trust, your trust in me
i know it's hard, it's a pretty long leap
we'll land on our feet
to find a new beat
while we plan a sly retreat
way across to the dallas heat
find and see and live and meet
forced to LIVE, live trick-or-treat
keeping your job? wow, what a feat
but you can't move forward if you don't move your feet.

ode 27: laying next to you in the darkness hoping you'll touch me

from whence you came,
go back good sir
i have not the time
nor money for this whirl
i got plans and it's do or die
my heart is pounding but i have to try

the fifth of deny

constant rejection is
oddly affection
sobering reflection for
insipid inception
blatant redirection for
wavering acceptance

---

i never had you
but i'm lost and blue
i wish i were
the one for you

----

if i cum to satiate,
will you ever initiate?
it's cause i chase
that we go to waste
wish we had time
to clear our plate

---

keep me in check,
please watch me dance
let's hang together
you put me in a trance
i want your eyes
all over me
i want to die
but instead i'll flee

---

let me come in your presence
then i can hang, without insistence.

m & m

anything to beat this heat
stand aside while i beat my meat
fascinated by who we meet
we joke and play, pls suck my teat
i forgot the past but see the day
i work a lot and forget to play
so i will rue, will rue the day
when you go, say you cannot stay
bound in time, i leap the lines
i feel weak, too weak to rhyme
my vision blurred, energy drained
no time to sleep, everything to gain

i ain't hungry, i don't need rest
i'm always up for looking my best
i may have tried to keep you here
but the time is gone, so i live in fear
when will i see you? a month? a year?
i'm sorry i'm shit, you gave me your ear
thanks for hearing, for putting up with me
hit me up some time so we can watch Glee

ode 27: to compromise or nah

i feel most at home when he's by my side
but it's selfish, really, and he has so much pride
what's scary is that i see myself in him
not like that, you perv, but that's how i've been
stuck in this rut, of imagining us together
watching the storm and enjoying the weather
i know we should stop, let go of the white
but the familiarity seems cool & i'm just not quite
ready to give up, to leave it be
but i'm always reaching for him, even though there's a fee
the unspoken baggage that i bring to the plane
we're flying "for free" but what does that mean?
bouncing off each other, trying to find the right time
to blow shit out the water, to really make him mine
or maybe he won't, with too many difference to count
of maybe we're perfect, the perfect dismount
step off that high horse, bearing the symbol of christ
come down to my level and i'll treat you real nice

ode 26: why the fuck u lying

eyes awake but brain asleep
he prays to lord for soul to keep
should i die before i wake
i regret that we didn't try to take
what we had, turn it to gold
instead we slumbered, while it got sold
peddled off, in some other love birds' den
while it washes away, from the tip of this pen
you can't miss what you didn't have
so maybe it's better, instead of making him mad
cause if you shove him open, go for broke
...well, what's to lose? you're both now woke
from unspoken feelings to texting mad
we both apologized...so why feel bad?
cause our time feels wasted, snorted away
we sit in silence tho there's so much to say
"why do you think you're the only thing valid?"
or "why do we need to be quiet, i'm writing your ballad"
the things i wish about when we're both in here
how i don't mind being alone but you put my mind in gear
making plans to leave, but always get stopped
the bad ones are gone...is it time to step up?
you've got opportunity here, a chance to rise
if it's not about the money, lay down the guise
you like to feel needed, so why would you go?
they're desperate for bodies, you shouldn't say no
you stand to make money, to balance your work
to really step up, to have your second birth
you're afraid of commitment, that much is true
but is it really that bad? or is it just you?

ode 25 to A

i really liked the times you showed me
i felt so close to you
you showed me you and i showed you me
but why is it you refuse to see
that we were kinda meant to be
as you can provide for me mentally
while i provide for your every need
i could let you take the lead
but you prance around like a weathered steed
like you can never dream for something better to be
as you're still beating yourself for the man you used to be
and, of the secrets you shared with me,
that was the one i was scared to see
cause i knew you knew how to leave
but still didn't want to believe that you could do it to me
but you did that night, right there in front of me
when i tried to explain my body, to entertain free
but you sat there
and l a u g h e d  a t  m e .

why everyone should get a dog

dumbing down the domestication
for fevered favored fragmentation.
creatures that fill your deepest voids
who prevent you from feeling paranoid

quit

mopping builds the muscle
just like running in the rain
always trying to hustle
with nothing left to gain
treat it like a struggle,
the ins and outs of work
lessons gotta be learned
but being present may just work
if you sleep and save
your dream away
is it really gay to find the way
to call her "bae"
at the end of the day
as we fade out, fade into gray

ode 24

you didn't need to freak out
you didn't mean to leak out
you're finishing the week out
never take the weak out


temptation strong to succumb to drink
he might be strong, too strong to link
cause sitting here on the edge of brink
gives too much space and time to think.

listen to you, hear yourself
bristle at few, heal your self
fix the brew, the keebler elf
the day is new, pack up your shelf