The Comfort of Keys and Bacon

Our main character, Ryan, is coerced into breaking into her ex-boyfriend's house by the energetic Kim where they encounter more than they bargained for. Ryan wants to forget all about Adam but continues to carry around his key in her pocket. Ryan doesn't really seem to change over the course of the story but maybe Adam does? 

I really liked the tense usage. Most stories are written as if it already happened while I actually felt like I was in that Waffle House. I also enjoy the realness of our narrator i.e. holding on to a memory of the past because of tradition and her struggle between staying stagnant moving forward. I think the ending works well! It's a short story for a short moment in time. 

I could almost imagine it as a little novella, though. By including different points of view, the story could build to a climax and disperse among the participants. If you could flesh out Kim and Adam by including points of time from their point of view, the reader could create a better connection with each character so that the big ending can be more meaningful.

The dialogue to text ratio is just about perfect. There isn't too much to overwhelm the reader but we also aren't just stuck in the narrator's head. Sure, I almost felt like we had an unreliable narrator until Kim confronted Adam. The dialogue is very real, along with the actions. "Kim said with a mouth full of hash browns" - that happens! That actually happens.

I like that the story begins with conflict. By the third paragraph, our enthusiastic coffee drinker inquires on Ryan's memento, thus causing confusing feelings and memories. It might sound cliche, but if this story was to be made longer, there could be a potential to return to the Waffle House and see how they've changed. Maybe she doesn't order those three pieces of bacon this time. 

The conflict is subtle which makes it less gratifying when the narrator exits the house without the key. By having her best friend swoop in and tell him off, Ryan gets off with an undeserved happy ending. Kim just did all the dirty work for her and she wasn't even the one in the relationship. I guess it would have been a bit more cliche and weird if Adam were to return home to find his ex girlfriend on his couch. But still, I didn't feel as triumphant as I imagined the narrator did; I wish it could have been drawn out more to get some more character depth.