Dammit, Kitty

I think that "For the Family in the Car Passing By" starts with a conflict that basically summarizes the story: Earl is dissatisfied with the presence of his wife's cat. Though Earl does not come to love the cat - unlike most stories about an undesired pet - I do believe that there is some change in Earl as a father and pet-owner.

I started reading this story passively, trying to multitask to get homework done and found that I had to direct my entire attention to the story, going so far as to remove myself from a noisy room so that I could devote my full attention. I found that this story was filled with excellent detail and conflict, making it hard to put down because you aren't sure what's going to happen next. I liked the twist on the age-old "cat person or dog person" in that Earl refuses to accept the cat as his while Crystal seems attached to Jerry,  showing that there is often a grey area in matters of conflict.

The transition in the middle of the story is abrupt and caught me off guard: it seemed as though it was a time shift into the future rather than the past, making me think that they were getting yet another cat at the expense of Earl's sanity. It was only after Crystal's brother and sister-in-law gifted her with a fluffy white kitten did I realize that this was a flashback. I think this could be easily rectified by showcasing something from the flashback in the first three pages of the story so that the reader can recognize the jump into the past, i.e. walking past the family photo in the kitchen, describing the cool May weather.

I normally use the title of the story as something to foreshadow the events to come. The title immediately made me think of "Videotape" by Don Delillo, which was really only because of the involvement of a family and a car. My interpretation of the title came after the story: you got your inspiration for this story from a car passing by with a family inside? I'm not sure but I was definitely expecting a whole different story from the title.

Your ability to weave description blows my mind; the detail you put into setting and characters really creates a realistic depiction of this imperfect family. There were times when these descriptions were to your detriment, distracting away from the plot with blocks of text to set up the scene. I don't want to see any of that description cut out but it dragged on in places that seemed to be describing mundane marriage life. I know like I'm going to sound like I'm contradicting myself but I still like it because it really does paint the whole picture of a real family. So kudos to you.

I enjoy the ending because it highlights Earl's humanity. I've never seen a cat get hit by a car and therefore cannot validate the flailing around of its body but it provided a dark humor to the situation because, the sick dog-loving bastard I am, fur flying around as the cat attempts to revive herself was only slightly amusing so I don't feel that it took away from anything at all. Earl's struggle with his hatred of the cat and the love of his family is what makes him hesitate in putting the cat out of her misery. I'm glad that you didn't show him pulling the trigger because it provides an open ending for the reader to interpret: will Earl put the cat out of its misery or will he kill the cat out of spite?

numb

Our main character, Sophie, enters into the story crying for an unidentified reason, which definitely created some conflict from the get-go. Sophie is forced to deal with the accident of a former boyfriend and eventually she rectifies her feelings and seems to get over his eventual death.

Our characters include: Sophie, Will, Zoe, Sophie's mom, Will's parents, and a doctor. Zoe is introduced so shortly and so succinctly that I wonder if their interaction could be changed. Zoe's wearing the same clothes as yesterday - why include that in the story if it won't be expanded on in the slightest? I think if Sophie is possibly sobbing over lunch with Zoe about her lost job (which is what I assume happened before the story opened and why Sophie is constantly looking for an email from her boss) and then gets a phone call from her mother where Zoe pressures her to answer it would be a good opening scene rather than her sitting in some random park.

Sophie's decision to fly home was very sudden and kind of jarring. The author says that she's motivated by guilt but I don't really feel like that's being shown. It would also add a little bit of conflict into the story if she couldn't get the right flight or there was some sort of storm or something. Logistically speaking, is it possible to book a flight for the same day and fly home without any problems encountered? We get some characterization of Sophie's mom from the phone call but it's really solidified when Sophie arrives home and her mother commands her to visit the hospital. It seems kind of unrealistic, but if Sophie's mother really does care about Will even after the breakup, then it would kind of make sense for what she said to her daughter. I wish there was more dialogue between them so we could see their interaction and get a full feel of how SOphie thinks about her mother.

I wish there was more dialogue in general, actually. There are a lot of opportunities to show how numb Sophie is that are instead summarized into quick dialogue and quick action. The author could really capitalize on the awkwardness of Sophie and Will's parents as well as her one-sided conversations with Will if only by having her sit and stare at him to say something and then reflect on what he looks like, you know?

I like Sophie and Will's history. It's a real testament to the length of relationships and makes the reader consider the depth of said relationships. I like that Sophie thinks she feels nothing. Where I am confused is that Sophie keeps saying how much she doesn't care about him and, after a while, it seems more "this is fact" rather than "this is denial" if that makes sense. Sophie says definitively that she doesn't care about Will but then the author keeps implying that she's just numb and hasn't realized her pain yet. And then, when Will dies, she doesn't experience any pain - just release. So does this mean that our character hasn't changed at all? Doesn't numb mean that you're staving off some kind of pain? If Sophie is unaffected by Will before the story and unaffected at the end, has she changed at all?

I guess you can say that she changed by losing her job and moving back home but that doesn't happen in the span of our story. We don't see Sophie move back home with her mom and return to her vulnerable self. Instead, we see Sophie eating a bag of candy to symbolize Will's death in her life.

As for the ending, I really really really like the line "Will was gone, but his body was still there". It really encapsulates the feeling of loss without describing the exact physical reaction. Not only does our author create Sophie's "out" but the author also shows how death is not just one thing: there is death of body and mind. It would have been a bit more realistic to have the sheets stripped clean (cliche) or them carting his body out (cliche) or parents sobbing loudly and refusing to release his body (kind of cliche). As it stands now, Sophie walks in to his parents sitting by their dead son for who-knows-how-long when the doctors/hospital probably would have removed his body.

I think this a really good story with a unique twist on losing an old friend but just needs some sprucing up and some more editing.

best saturday

I really like the point of view of this story. We aren't exactly in the head of Journee, our main character, but we're close enough that we can see her thoughts and her reactions to her surroundings and receive her input. There was a part, however, that seemed like it was dipping into the thoughts of Karla and I wondered if it was supposed to be third person omniscient. If that were the case, I think we would have a look at what Sam thinks of the kids. It would provide some humor, even, to include her point of view and get an exact description of what the two girls look like to her.

Overall, the description was really great. Not only did the author paint the scene of the projects, but they also provided little details that solidified the characters and really made it realistic. I wish there had been a little more description of the actual projects, because the author does a really good job of painting the girls as poor by describing their clothes and their actions but not so much the state of their physical homes, which may not even be necessary since the story takes place at a gas station.

 Basically, Journee is going about her Saturday routine, wishing that things were better. I like the fact that it's just a slice-of-life story of how Journee decided that Saturdays weren't all that bad. There is a conflict at the very get-go with Journee's hatred of Saturdays and it was kind of obvious that something good was going to happen today, what with the title and all. Journee seems to have changed: she no longer hates Saturdays which I think is simplistic. A child in the third grade isn't going to reach self-actualization in one story so I really like that this is a sliver of how her day was made better.

The dialogue was only weird in one place and that was just the introduction of Karla. Everything else seemed believable and really like the mind of third graders chatting as they look for something to do. I really like the "stupid taxes" line as well as Karla and Journee's thoughts on what to do with the money.

I don't think that this is the typical story - crazy events building up to some climax and then resolution. I think that this is telling a story, revealing some details of the people that are in the story, and then something awesome happens and then it closes. It isn't boring; I found the descriptions and the detail of Journee and Karla to be interesting and provide a good pace for the rest of the story. I'll admit, I was a little surprised that they found a one hundred dollar bill on the ground and, like children, decided to bury it instead of doing something, but I think it provides to that child mentality and reminds the reader that two nine year olds found one hundred dollars and buried it instead of enabling drug use.

I do wonder - what's going on with the little flashback to Sean and Journee's mother? What triggered that memory in her mind? I understand that the police/Sam might have brought forth that image, but I can't see the relevance to that part of the story or how it ties in. When there was a "flashback" talking about Marcus, you could kind of tie it in because that's where Karla got the money from and you had to explain 1) why the money was unattended and 2) why Karla could just slip in there and take it. But in the Sean flashback, there isn't anything that really ties it back to the current story, making it kind of hang off to the side. Journee does warn Karla on the dangers of stealing so that seems relevant so I might just suggest a stronger image that triggers Journee into her flashback about Sean.

The Henry Show

Henry is a delusional, mentally unbalanced man who just seems to want to get by with his life. He's always attempting to impress the cameras and his audience, though he never actually seems to be interested in the things that he's doing, often becoming distracted by what he thinks the audience is thinking. Over the course of the story, Henry makes some startling changes only lose his life at the end of the story.

Alright, so I was understanding and getting the story until the author got to the end and turned it into some sort of story of a story which took away from a lot of the realness and made it seem choppy. With that aside, the ending that actually occurred was interesting. Not only did Henry drive himself to the point of homicide, he also was so delusional that he couldn't bring himself out of it for the sake of self-preservation which would have required a certain social understanding that I suspect wouldn't be possible for someone with his condition.

I didn't understand the aside between the actor and Jeremy. First, why was Jeremy introduced properly and not the actor? Why was it still being told from Henry's point of view when Henry is out cold? Am I missing something? Don't get me wrong, it was good development of characters and definitely experimented with dialogue which was humorous for the situation they were in. It kind of felt a little improv-y? Like both were actors and making things up as they went? Which would have been interesting if it was a play all along. That's what I thought was happening when it opened and Henry's illness is presented so matter-of-fact that it comes off "here's a definition of what this is because i'm sure you don't know it, reader" rather than a natural conversation coercing it out of the speaker. It seems like you want to explain to the audience what's "wrong" with Henry but I feel like showing rather than telling would be way more effective here.

I think the setting could have been played up a bit more. There was hardly any details throughout the passage and I found myself wondering a lot of the time what they were doing. I think that's why it was so difficult to imagine this story actually happening - I can't imagine the characters. I don't think that's a bad thing because this is fiction and I feel like the reader should fill in the blanks themselves. But maybe a little hint? No ages, no distinguishing features, no gimpy walk. I don't think it could hurt to add some more description.

The Comfort of Keys and Bacon

Our main character, Ryan, is coerced into breaking into her ex-boyfriend's house by the energetic Kim where they encounter more than they bargained for. Ryan wants to forget all about Adam but continues to carry around his key in her pocket. Ryan doesn't really seem to change over the course of the story but maybe Adam does? 

I really liked the tense usage. Most stories are written as if it already happened while I actually felt like I was in that Waffle House. I also enjoy the realness of our narrator i.e. holding on to a memory of the past because of tradition and her struggle between staying stagnant moving forward. I think the ending works well! It's a short story for a short moment in time. 

I could almost imagine it as a little novella, though. By including different points of view, the story could build to a climax and disperse among the participants. If you could flesh out Kim and Adam by including points of time from their point of view, the reader could create a better connection with each character so that the big ending can be more meaningful.

The dialogue to text ratio is just about perfect. There isn't too much to overwhelm the reader but we also aren't just stuck in the narrator's head. Sure, I almost felt like we had an unreliable narrator until Kim confronted Adam. The dialogue is very real, along with the actions. "Kim said with a mouth full of hash browns" - that happens! That actually happens.

I like that the story begins with conflict. By the third paragraph, our enthusiastic coffee drinker inquires on Ryan's memento, thus causing confusing feelings and memories. It might sound cliche, but if this story was to be made longer, there could be a potential to return to the Waffle House and see how they've changed. Maybe she doesn't order those three pieces of bacon this time. 

The conflict is subtle which makes it less gratifying when the narrator exits the house without the key. By having her best friend swoop in and tell him off, Ryan gets off with an undeserved happy ending. Kim just did all the dirty work for her and she wasn't even the one in the relationship. I guess it would have been a bit more cliche and weird if Adam were to return home to find his ex girlfriend on his couch. But still, I didn't feel as triumphant as I imagined the narrator did; I wish it could have been drawn out more to get some more character depth.