famously forgotten by younger tweens
anxiously arriving at angled screens
too stimulated to hold conversation,
we stand justified, for condemnation
forever caught up in the internet
our bold attention you can never get.
they mock us, for dismal distraction
but all of our parents are just the same
solitaire, news, the bible, the murders
they swallow the media but never care
to search inward alone, to better themselves
just placing the blame on some one else
we're stuck in an a.d.h.d. society
focused on lgbt propriety
but we're never gold, we never leave
our pride, from us, you'll never seize
what we do in the bedroom is news to you
something you judge, something askew
what i know now is something new:

------
rant
------

i'll never ever be one of you
so sad and lost and always fake
so mad in lust, you only take
what you want for yourself,
what you need for you
to put up on a shelf,
to never use.
you collect and you stare and you pick apart
anything not your's, when did you start?
was it when you were young,
and didn't get your way?
threw a dumb tantrum,
on the ground you lay -
beating and crying on what's most stable
the ground, the earth, on childrens' fables
you toss and you turn, unacble to accept
that you just can't, and so you wept
and your parents gave in,
let you have that dumb toy
that you enventually forgot about,
that discarded joy
but it's because they gave in!
it's because you got to learn
that if you cry hard enough
that no will slowly burn
simmer down the lowest setting
and you can always get by
without having a wedding
you'll push and you'll prod
til they eventually say yes
and you'll fuck and you'll take
until you think you're the best
but i know something that you don't
is that when you think you're all set,
you most surely won't
be able to look back, with no hint of regret
because you'll know the wrongs you did,
you'll remember the eyes' you've wet
all because those fake crocodile tears
let loose in that walmart,
in the very back, all those years
spent lying and stealing and stepping on toes
cause you couldn't stay calm
when faced with your woes
you lashed out and hurt
whoever you saw
whoever wouldn't listen
to your side of the law
and though you may be rich
and buy whatever you want
you'll never be missed
by the items you flaunt
so seeking out fame for material alone
will always end poorly,
you'll always cast the first stone
cause you based your experience
on a time long ago -
if only you whine louder,
you'll never have to reap what you sow

i wait instead of wallowing
i spit instead of swallowing
i stand instead of cowering
i spin instead of slandering
i worry instead of angering
i slur instead of banging
i wash instead of stinking
i swim instead of sinking
i smoke instead of eating
i eat instead of feeding
i rock instead of rolling
i bid instead of folding
i am here instead of there
and it is here that i no longer stare
waiting for a day to see you again
i'm not waiting for life to begin
i will give, i will grow, i will stand alone,
i will feel, i will deal, i will regrow

draft

first of all - most trans people do not want to talk about their dead name. i think this is the most ignorant shit i have ever seen y'all do. you mean to tell me i have decided to trust you with this information that is not even your right to know for anY reason, something that i have been living with my entire life and have trusted to share the very bare minimum with you and your first question is asking me to produce the name that i have chosen to not go by anymore, as if it will somehow change anything about our current relationship. what do you gain? what do i gain? I get to say a name that i've heard wrong my entire life, spit out like a used condom for you to pick up and pull onto your finger so you can dance it around in my face for a second, savory the alphebetic juices that seep down your hand to pool in a puddle of my discomfort onto the floor, a growing lake between us. if a transperson wants to tell you their dead name, please let them do it on their terms.


second of all - this kind of goes hand in hand with rule number 1 - do not ask what i do with my sexual times. just because you have found out my gender identity does not mean anything about my sexuality. y'all know that - gender and sex are two different things. that's why all these different terms have popped out, when y'all just thought there were three things : gay, straight, and bi. Let me tell you something, there are so many terms to keep up with nowadays. There's Pansexual Demi-romantic - which means you're attracted to people, not just their gender identity or sex  who only experiences romantic attraction only to people you've established emotional connection with. Ya boy is a Akoiromantic homoflexible biromantic demi bi. Which in order means i like not having feelings recirptocated, i'm male attraction leaning, romantically attracted to multiple genders who i can form sexual connection with after emotional connection has been establish. That's not so hard, right? Don't worry, we all mess up the terms too. It's a lot and I recommend you stay away from Tumblr if you don't want to read a circlejerk of who's the most nonbinary gender-bending gentalia wading through the internet.

third of all - respect the pronouns. one of the nicest things that i took for granted when i lived in asheville was how fucking nice everyone was. if your trans friends introduced you to anyone or you met anyone, everyone's first greetings were "my name is such and such, what are your pronouns?" it was second nature to them, a simple question to clear the air and get things right the first time. if someone tells you they want to go by they, what the fuck does it matter to you? it might be uncomfortable for you for a second but you WILL get used to it. it'll become second nature for you too and you'll be the cool cis friend who's respectful and can come to our badass house shows. you better not bring any cishet scum with you, but you can come listen.

- on that same line, if you are going to ask because you, for some reason, think you absolutely need to know at least be delicate enough to phrase it along the lines of deadname or old name, i swear if one more of you asks me about my [air quote]real name i'm punching you in the face.
next, and this one is important - don't ask about genetalia unless you might have sexual activities with this person. i honestly don't understand y'all on this one - how you gonnna openly ask somebody what they're carrying in their pants? I cannot tell y'all the amount of times i've had to put on the face because you are standing there, staring up at mme blushing because you don't know the right words to say it so you shuffle up, all casual like "so how does all of that works" [gestures at my crotch, long pause, strut around] "I DON'T KNOW SUZANNE, HOW'S YOUR OLE FIRECROTCH WITH TWO INCH LABIA AND AN UNDERDEVELOPED CLITORAL HOOD WORK?" Like damn, we don't go around asking y'all what in your pants, can you just do the same for us? Shit.
just a couple of quick run-downs, a frequently asked questions if you will-

- no i do not want to meet your gay cousin because you think we'll hit it off, you do not understand the intricacies of the gay trans dating world and i can barely get out of bed, let alone go on a blind date that you set up just because your cousin is the only gay you know

- no i will not change my mind any time soon, so you can stop trying to fucking call me jeremy - you were not even close to the best dick i've ever had so why the fuck would i forgo my identity for your sad ole six inches but other people can change their mind and should be respected and supported if that does happen

- some people do not take hormones at all as part of their gender expression a just like some people float the genderfluid spectrum and refer to themselves as nonbinary - it' up to you to not be ignorant dick by assuming before asking.

- if you don't know something, just fucking google it. i moved back to auburn for a reason - i like telling my story, i like teaching my closeminded friends about gender expression. but i am an anomoly - just because someone came out to you doesn't mean you can make jokes about their body if it makes them umcofortable. consent is a sexy sexy mistress. but we live in an age of technology where you can educate yourself instead of making people feel awkward just because you got confused for a second.

- if i wanted your opinion on how i express my gender identity, i will ask. you don't have the right to tell what a trans people what they should or shouldn't do or wear to pass better unless they ask for your opinion. really, gary, you mean to tell me that you're not uncomfortable when i tell you that that polo is out of style and your jeans are too loose and those shoes make you look dumb when you didn't even ask me? common sense, common sense.

- there's so much more i didn't cover but i want to get to some of my personal experiences so you can get a nice little peek into my life, the things that i find myself stupidly doing as i try to stumble through this