i think i'll admit to causing my own mess -
i thought i had guidance, i thought i was blessed.
i've barely decided to see you undressed,
i'll simply subside and remain unstressed.
keep me updated for the weekend has passed,
i'm unfumigated but my lungs have collapsed.
i've anxiously arrived at an answer, alert
i've convulsed and contrived a coup to convert.
Leave your woes at the door, just shut up and work
but there's meaning in more than monetary worth.
i've been struck down, my love, i'm allowing the pain
to bathe me in blood and scream out my name.
i've arrived at your door, broken and battered
uncovered, uncapped, untopped, and unscattered.
maybe i just need to tend to my field
so that my dumb crops will have some kind of yield.
i'll post my success and joke on my flaws,
if only you'd recognize that i have my own claws!
i'm ready to strike, posed for a wordy attack
cause i've worked far too long to give up the slack.
pull the rope tight! but don't make it a noose
i'm everything to cain and nothing to lose
they cry out 'move on! there's more than this love!'
but what if my hand still needs a glove?
not two, just one, to symbolize imbalance
to cool off my hand when i hold your warm chalice.
wait for me, darling, i promise i'm coming
i'm not done with this race - i've just started running.
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
m o n o g a m y
grumbling, groggy, and giggling with the gaggle
i've somehow slipped off that swollen saddle
i can't believe i just let you go
everyone screams that it's more room to grow
flopping forth with a fifth, don't fumble my name
sloppier than the sith, i will rise to fame
true power collides in an endless cacophony
but you'll get nowhere following redirected misogyny
i know that i'm queer! i've embraced that sly beauty
but my efforts get dredged in self-sabotaging mutiny
i'm barking for freedom, tired of this chain
tied up in this small yard, what more can i gain?
you say to keep saving, just keep my head down
so why is my brain always pulsing with sound?
i'm constricted, confined, trapped in the past
days passing too quick cuz they're too dull to last
i'm fading, young goddess, when basic needs have been met
complacency leaves these dead eyes too wet
i'm choking and coughing, begging for a breath of fresh air
(i thought it might help to color my hair)
the need to create has become a compulsion
but living by their rules has created repulsion.
i need more space for my hierarchy of needs
i've picked up the pace and bought all my seeds
now i'm just waiting for some sign above
to stumble toward the future, to find my true love.
i've somehow slipped off that swollen saddle
i can't believe i just let you go
everyone screams that it's more room to grow
flopping forth with a fifth, don't fumble my name
sloppier than the sith, i will rise to fame
true power collides in an endless cacophony
but you'll get nowhere following redirected misogyny
i know that i'm queer! i've embraced that sly beauty
but my efforts get dredged in self-sabotaging mutiny
i'm barking for freedom, tired of this chain
tied up in this small yard, what more can i gain?
you say to keep saving, just keep my head down
so why is my brain always pulsing with sound?
i'm constricted, confined, trapped in the past
days passing too quick cuz they're too dull to last
i'm fading, young goddess, when basic needs have been met
complacency leaves these dead eyes too wet
i'm choking and coughing, begging for a breath of fresh air
(i thought it might help to color my hair)
the need to create has become a compulsion
but living by their rules has created repulsion.
i need more space for my hierarchy of needs
i've picked up the pace and bought all my seeds
now i'm just waiting for some sign above
to stumble toward the future, to find my true love.
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
baa
i can't help digging but i've dug a lil too deep
i can't even tell which secrets to keep
i barely have time to hear your dull weep
i'm so tired of scrubbing guilty white feet
i'm ready to show you, so please take a seat
( i'm so fucking tired of beating my meat )
you thought i'd expand from this kind of bleat
but you should invest in this big ole black sheep
i can't even tell which secrets to keep
i barely have time to hear your dull weep
i'm so tired of scrubbing guilty white feet
i'm ready to show you, so please take a seat
( i'm so fucking tired of beating my meat )
you thought i'd expand from this kind of bleat
but you should invest in this big ole black sheep
april dour
seriously conceptualize what could contour to contusions
realize reality will wander, waywardly into reckless intrusions
i'm manicly miffed at what measly men have to say
i'm supernaturally stiffed by my brash dumbass bray
i've corrected a comping of contour kings
i've barely just managed to silence my schemes
i wish i could waddle back into your pond
i wish i couldn't sink for whoever i'm fond
i've slipped around on the ice for a little too long
i gotta find Thumper, cause this feels all wrong
maybe Flower will court me, mumble out my name
i'll be the king of your forest, just as long as you're game.
realize reality will wander, waywardly into reckless intrusions
i'm manicly miffed at what measly men have to say
i'm supernaturally stiffed by my brash dumbass bray
i've corrected a comping of contour kings
i've barely just managed to silence my schemes
i wish i could waddle back into your pond
i wish i couldn't sink for whoever i'm fond
i've slipped around on the ice for a little too long
i gotta find Thumper, cause this feels all wrong
maybe Flower will court me, mumble out my name
i'll be the king of your forest, just as long as you're game.
emotional masochist
i've finessed myself into a corner
i cannot help but yearn some type of scorner
degrade me, daddy, make me a mourner
my self-respect yeeted by a coroner
i know i should feel more balanced
but i feel kinda soother in sanguid silence
if i careen into the whispering abyss
at least give me a lingering kiss?
unknownst to you, i would be remis
if i don't feel just little bit dismissed
rigormortis sets in, the end is nigh
i can't help but lean on that scornful sigh
i cannot help but yearn some type of scorner
degrade me, daddy, make me a mourner
my self-respect yeeted by a coroner
i know i should feel more balanced
but i feel kinda soother in sanguid silence
if i careen into the whispering abyss
at least give me a lingering kiss?
unknownst to you, i would be remis
if i don't feel just little bit dismissed
rigormortis sets in, the end is nigh
i can't help but lean on that scornful sigh
Monday, January 13, 2020
jan 13
i've been doing research online. i find a job that i absolutely want, not because it's as a dishwasher but because of the facility/things i find on the website that indicates what happens there. i have never been there, nor do i remember those specific things that interest me about the job.
i am with people (two?), someone who drives us and someone who're we're dropping off. the drive is for an hour and conversation is slightly strained. we're dropping a friend off for their first day at this new job.
boss man #1 is slightly shifty, reminds me of he talks very fast - too fast. he has a plan for the extra people (me & driver), without telling us about said plan.
i am casually interested in what's happening there, and even start feeling like i should be working there too. he's talking me into it. i finally say 'oh i have a job intervie-" "oh yeah? you need to work here?" "no, i'm just-"" "what is it? i've got a job for you right here, as this- "NO, i have an interview somewhere else."
he can tell he's losing me. he tries again, as i'm looking at where my actual interview is at. i'm googling the place. i know the interview is supposed to be at 330 (we left with just enough time) so when i look down to see it's 3:32, i'm suddenly reminded about what time the interview is at. he finally lets us leave.
GPS says the place is five minutes away but the actual distance is so far that i wonder if we'll get there that quick. it says 5 minute walk but we're in a weird countryside that is way more than a 5 minute walk. we ride scooters (future type, silent, kind of hovering) on an almost overgrown sidewalk that soon morphs into some parkour shit.
the trek has more obstacles, until finally reaching a huge red metal fence jutting out of the ground, in the middle of a flight of stairs that lead down. we have to keep jumping over the fence, with the drop getting longer and longer and i do so with ease, though i was complaining a lot about not being able to walk that fast and not trusting the scooter.
we finally get there and i meet boss man #2 and his assistant. there are genetically engineered dogs, h u g e german shepherds in cages and i start looking around. there's a screen in the front lobby, showing a commercial for what they do there.
since i've forgotten what place i'm applying for, i stop to watch the video. the video shows computer generated people (anime style) working in an office before the screen changes and shows them flying and changing shapes into superhumans (?).
i start looking around the facility. the dogs are quiet, and in cages, so i want to see what else is there. there are more screens spread out, but i don't see anymore cages. the screens show creatures that have been created. i see regular animals that have been crossed with super animal breeding results. i see a screen that shows tiny green & red animals, the offspring of impossibear and a regular tiny bear. called the bear menagerie or something.
i return to the dog room and start to get the lowdown from boss #2. while we're talking, we're standing in the doorway of the dog room but i'm standing so i'm the only one looking in the room. boss 2 and assistant are explaining things with vigor. i am very interested - MY HAIR IS BEAUTIFULLY TEAL (i remember this vividly from the walk over) - but i am becoming distracted.
while talking, i see a man (shiny glasses so you can't really see his eyes, longish strawberry blone hair, rain jacket) come in the dog room and start looking around. i'm the only one who can see him because the angle that i'm standing in the doorway. boss 2 is still explaining but my attention is on the guy who's wandering around.
he's pretending to leave the room and starts growling at one of the dogs. the dog looks at him curiously but doesn't move. they're all just standing in their huge cages, none are laying down. his girlfriend (?) is there but she adds nothing to the scene. i think it's strange for him to growl at the dogs and he gets closer to the cage.
the dog is watching him, but not moving. boss 2 is talking about how they've tirelessly engineered the dogs to show absolutely no aggression because of how big they are. as he says this, the dogs ears go back. the guy is in the dog's face now, he shakes the cage and starts pulling it out, growling the whole time.
"HEY NOW, i think that's QUITE enough." i raise my voice, new boss forgotten, as i approach the dude. the dog has begun growling now. boss 2 snaps to attention and comes into the room fully now. the guy looks amused with himself. i get in the guy's face and start talking shit. he says he used to work here and i think boss 2 will back me up as skinny dude gets in my face.
he shoves me and i smirk. 'oh, i won't get in trouble but you're on camera for pushing me first, buddy." i'm holding back my anger but i want to punch this dude in the mouth so bad. while we argue, boss 2 and assistant have pulled dog out of the cage and are trying to get it to stop growling.
guy shoves me again. boss man is in tears are he tries to get the dog to relax. dog is standing in place, his eyes won't leave the dude and his lip is pulled back over his teeth as he won't stop growling. boss man is crying now, trying to push the lip back down on the dog's mouth but the dog won't stop growling. boss man is trying to soothe the dog, whispering things. the dog won't stop growling.
i wake.
i am with people (two?), someone who drives us and someone who're we're dropping off. the drive is for an hour and conversation is slightly strained. we're dropping a friend off for their first day at this new job.
boss man #1 is slightly shifty, reminds me of he talks very fast - too fast. he has a plan for the extra people (me & driver), without telling us about said plan.
i am casually interested in what's happening there, and even start feeling like i should be working there too. he's talking me into it. i finally say 'oh i have a job intervie-" "oh yeah? you need to work here?" "no, i'm just-"" "what is it? i've got a job for you right here, as this- "NO, i have an interview somewhere else."
he can tell he's losing me. he tries again, as i'm looking at where my actual interview is at. i'm googling the place. i know the interview is supposed to be at 330 (we left with just enough time) so when i look down to see it's 3:32, i'm suddenly reminded about what time the interview is at. he finally lets us leave.
GPS says the place is five minutes away but the actual distance is so far that i wonder if we'll get there that quick. it says 5 minute walk but we're in a weird countryside that is way more than a 5 minute walk. we ride scooters (future type, silent, kind of hovering) on an almost overgrown sidewalk that soon morphs into some parkour shit.
the trek has more obstacles, until finally reaching a huge red metal fence jutting out of the ground, in the middle of a flight of stairs that lead down. we have to keep jumping over the fence, with the drop getting longer and longer and i do so with ease, though i was complaining a lot about not being able to walk that fast and not trusting the scooter.
we finally get there and i meet boss man #2 and his assistant. there are genetically engineered dogs, h u g e german shepherds in cages and i start looking around. there's a screen in the front lobby, showing a commercial for what they do there.
since i've forgotten what place i'm applying for, i stop to watch the video. the video shows computer generated people (anime style) working in an office before the screen changes and shows them flying and changing shapes into superhumans (?).
i start looking around the facility. the dogs are quiet, and in cages, so i want to see what else is there. there are more screens spread out, but i don't see anymore cages. the screens show creatures that have been created. i see regular animals that have been crossed with super animal breeding results. i see a screen that shows tiny green & red animals, the offspring of impossibear and a regular tiny bear. called the bear menagerie or something.
i return to the dog room and start to get the lowdown from boss #2. while we're talking, we're standing in the doorway of the dog room but i'm standing so i'm the only one looking in the room. boss 2 and assistant are explaining things with vigor. i am very interested - MY HAIR IS BEAUTIFULLY TEAL (i remember this vividly from the walk over) - but i am becoming distracted.
while talking, i see a man (shiny glasses so you can't really see his eyes, longish strawberry blone hair, rain jacket) come in the dog room and start looking around. i'm the only one who can see him because the angle that i'm standing in the doorway. boss 2 is still explaining but my attention is on the guy who's wandering around.
he's pretending to leave the room and starts growling at one of the dogs. the dog looks at him curiously but doesn't move. they're all just standing in their huge cages, none are laying down. his girlfriend (?) is there but she adds nothing to the scene. i think it's strange for him to growl at the dogs and he gets closer to the cage.
the dog is watching him, but not moving. boss 2 is talking about how they've tirelessly engineered the dogs to show absolutely no aggression because of how big they are. as he says this, the dogs ears go back. the guy is in the dog's face now, he shakes the cage and starts pulling it out, growling the whole time.
"HEY NOW, i think that's QUITE enough." i raise my voice, new boss forgotten, as i approach the dude. the dog has begun growling now. boss 2 snaps to attention and comes into the room fully now. the guy looks amused with himself. i get in the guy's face and start talking shit. he says he used to work here and i think boss 2 will back me up as skinny dude gets in my face.
he shoves me and i smirk. 'oh, i won't get in trouble but you're on camera for pushing me first, buddy." i'm holding back my anger but i want to punch this dude in the mouth so bad. while we argue, boss 2 and assistant have pulled dog out of the cage and are trying to get it to stop growling.
guy shoves me again. boss man is in tears are he tries to get the dog to relax. dog is standing in place, his eyes won't leave the dude and his lip is pulled back over his teeth as he won't stop growling. boss man is crying now, trying to push the lip back down on the dog's mouth but the dog won't stop growling. boss man is trying to soothe the dog, whispering things. the dog won't stop growling.
i wake.
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