1.

"There's no way, man."

"What are you talking about? It's barely fifteen feet!"

"No man, that's at least twenty feet. It can't be fucking done."

He huffs loudly and someone coughs out a cloud of smoke, smelling very much like Gorilla Glue but it could have just as easily been Girl Scout Cookies. It's so fucking hard to keep track of that shit anymore.

My heart's racing even though my body is slowly sinking into the couch - I've been on my feet all day and I've been aching for a verbal fight after dealing with shitty moviegoers all night. I did find a FitBit tonight that I'm gonna pawn for some cash but the levels of semen and vomit I have to clean up is too damn high.

Gus is suddenly putting on his sunglasses and heading for the door. I follow him, mostly because I'm curious what he could be up to now but partially because I'd follow him any fucking where.

Y'all, I've got it bad.

Gus is scaling the steps two at a time, curly black hair bouncing on the back of his pink neck - he went to the river earlier this week with his girlfriend of all people and forgot sunscreen. While she's now a frightening shade of maroon, he's only got a faint pinkness that ignites some fucking baby complex in my fucked up brain where i want to smear aloe on his cheeks while spoon feeding him fucking homemade chicken noodle soup.

I'm squinting up the stairs at him, holding my hand over my eyes to see him outlined in the sun. I never wear my baseball hat facing forward, even when it makes the most sense. It makes me look like a teenage fucking ballboy who's got the biggest crush on his tennis coach but he doesn't know and keeps giving me free lessons because he thinks I just really have a hard time figuring out the form on my backhand and, yes, I'm sure I need him to guide my body with his to learn.

For a brief moment, Gus and I make eye contact and I fucking swear, y'all, that is the moment I realized he was going to jump. I have no fucking idea what else I could have thought was going to happen. Why would Gus run up stairs on the side of our house - one that we all know lead to a locked door - in the middle of the day right after we were just talking about how high the jump is? I'm still kicking myself for not stopping him.

But, he jumped.

I could only watch with mouth wide open as he landed beautifully on both feet. It was only when he tried to put  pressure on one foot and had to hop away that i realized he was not okay. Sometimes you can limp that shit off, right? Like, when you're walking down the street late at night so you're trying to look busy as you pass drunk people sitting outside of a bar, trying to get home to cuddle your dog and watch Moana for the nineteenth time and you get so caught up in texting blah blahb lah 1 2 3 to yourself that you step off the curb and basically break your ankle but you gotta play it off for that blonde hunk in the salmon shorts who eyed you as you were passing so you can graefully limp away...if you're lucky.

Yeah, well, he wasn't able to do that. He literally had to hop to the door and immediately lay on the couch. "Are you okay?" I asked, stupidly, as soon as I followed him inside and came around to sit next to him.

"I fucked up the landing, I definitely should have rolled into it." I'm very familiar with Gus's face, I literally jerk off to him every night. But I can't read it now. Especially since the sunglasses someone miraculously stayed on in that travel. This motherfucker can jump nineteen feet (neither of us were right) and keep sunglasses on his face but I can't be standing in line at a fucking food truck and glance down at the half-eaten taco I seem to have accidentally stepped in without my sunglasses deciding to fucking garnish the taco, like some motherfucking flaccid ass cilantro? Incredible.

"You know that's not an answer, right?"

"Well, y'know, I don't feel great." Oops, there's definitely pain in his voice.  Maybe a little malice? Perhaps....LUST? Oh, no, that's just my imagination.

"...I should probably take you to the hospital."

"No, no, I'm fine. I just need to rest my eyes for a bit."

"No, you can't sleep!? That's...wait"

"I don't have a fucking concussion, ya dumbass. Why don't you roll us a blunt to forget our worries?"

I'm already breaking the weed out on the table, staring at his slowly swelling foot. "Yes, Daddy."

He's turning bright red and he jerks his head to look at me. "I told you to stop saying that." There's a shy smile that makes my heart do a weird flip thing. We're staring into each other's eyes just a little too long and I feel my eyes drift to his lips. He looks down too, as if he's just noticed that his dick would fit so perfectly between my lips.


"Aw fuck, what am I gonna tell Alice?"

I try to roll the blunt faster, but now my hands are shaking.

reckoning

allow me to introduce a concept to you:
the concept of us, wrapped up in blue
shielded from the misery of the present
our emotions bundled for effervescence
blistered and broken, we'll seek solace in each other
but wait! it seems - you can't even bother!
not that you don't have the energy
(boy, i've seen the way you look at me)
but the extra bit oomph i need
you choose, instead, to try to bleed
to bleed out your problems, steep in the wrong
only truly understood by another song
and there's nothing bad about choosing this!
but i'm so manic that i need a fist
someone who'll say - hey! that's enough!
someone who can return my passionate touch
not that you can't, because you already have
but my passion is constant which is kind of bad.
when i'm around you, i lust and lust
i don't want to stop but i must, i must.
so capture me, let me come sing in your cage
but i want to see you, let me taste your rage.

hermit crab

you swashbuckling, sensual, soothing scoundrel
what would you want with this washed up mongrel?
scruffy and messy, i trot around
showing off because i'm too proud.
and you know what? what i have found?
i'm somehow still standing on solid ground.
i'm cool, collected, but i flirt a lot
only a little tempted by what you got.
i won't slip or stumble anywhere near you
i'll bide my time & this'll have to do
not that i'm settling, or accepting less
but please take a look at this unruly mess
you've made by giggling at me
by teasing, by probing, can't you see?
i lowkey adore and could handle you
i'm throbbing and pulsing, right here for you.
i don't mean to make it complicated
so we have to keep this regulated -
i'll stay in my corner, i'll smile and write
and you'll shine over there, just a tad too bright
and when i emerge to see the light of day
i won't be silence by what i have to say
cause unfortunately when i bleed words , it gushes forth
unfortunately, you're the one, my glorious true north.

fantasize

please come surround me, do you feel this eclipse?
i can still taste you lingering on my lips.
help me, seize me, allow me to love
come, allow me to lift you high above.
i will be your wings, with me you will soar
aren't we all looking for rings scattered on the floor?

swish & flick

misty, faint, and fading ideals
drown out at the promise of something real
i've kept pace for far too long
ignored desire, told myself i'm wrong
listened to everyone except for myself
defined only by interpersonal wealth
though i've been dismissed for years and years
i was once kissed while full of fear
not fear of falling, or fear of the new
 but fear of standing still, of having to make due.
i've settled and settled, told myself i wasn't worth
said i need to ache to then find out my mirth
but what's worse than settling or telling yourself no?
it feels like you'll never truly be ready to let yourself go.

should you even express it

self serving and simple
do let me count the ways
i smile at your dimples
and tromp through your space.
woefully edgy for all the wrong reasons
caging yourself off from unfamiliar seasons
stick to the script! that's what they scream
they say that it's easy to be ripped at the seam
cautiously call out so you can take care
but always be reliable, even if it's without flair.
cause the world won't listen to your sad lament
unless you're beaten, broken, and energy's spent.
not that i'm saying - here, hold my beer
but i'm no longer cloudy, it's all crystal clear.

half & half

messy but poised
my heart lives in a bubble
surrounded by poison
but filled with trouble.
trembling and precious,
we stomp and dance
i'm gonna wreck it
but i'm still in a trance.
delicate but worried
tame and collected
let's see where i was buried
before i was defective.
born at the wrong time,
we ache for the truth
you've sent me the sign
for the end of my youth.
carry the world,
support the weight,
chocolate and vanilla swirl,
let's go on a date.

planetz

the best laid schemes
and forgotten dreams
collude and prosper
and crash over me
i won't be moved or swayed
i won't be tricked or played
i'm an immovable object
and an unstoppable force
who begins a project
but does the worst.
the whole time, i'm listening
i've giggled and played
but there's the whistle
and i won't get laid
put me in coach,
i've got what it takes
let's see if i crumble,
let's see if i break

ranst

simmer down, sally

ain't for you

maybe it's together

maybe i'm there

tonight has been a lot

i've felt feverish but flex

i'm in a tight spot

please tell me what's next

i'm cautious and empty

my cup runneth over

to put it more simply:

i'm headed for cover.

head over wheels

selective hearing for the incumbent few
impossibly intoxicated by boiling brain stew
opportunities seized, first texts sent
creating meaning where intentions aren't meant
to harmonize, to keep pitch, calling together
enjoying the breeze but exhaling a sigh in beautiful weather
scorching, not burning, soak in the rays
insecurities banished but fraught with delays
little jabs to the ego that thicken the plot
never know when you're going, never know what you've got
reactions galore, and emotions excite
oh, you've already caught feelings? well, bitch i might
with reckless abandon, i fall and i fall
over and over, guess it's time for a brawl

note to self

awaken, my dear, come dry your eyes
now is not the time for telling lies
you must stay true, to try your best
you must never tire, you must never rest.
callous, but cordial, accept your beating
remember that consciousness is more than fleeting
you may illicit the need to preach for others
but try not to be such an ugly mother.
take care, you big lug, of yourself first
you know you need it, you know your worth
memories stain but do not complete
i cannot complain of sticky feet

coming or going? who's to tell?
i'm caught, and broken, under your spell
so while i try to stay cool, to flaunt a little
please stay for a while to solve my riddle

oh, ok

i am aching, breaking, beautiful, and bold
i am brittle, lifeless, cracking, and old
i wake to see what the day will bring
i sleep to see what dreams will ring
i rock and move my body to the beat
i can't keep still, i will move my feet
i tell myself these things to remind:
i am not broken, i will not cry.